In the Dark

31 10 2010

I feel like I’m lost, separated from the rest of the world and in the dark. A war is raging within and I don’t know how to verbalize it or express it. Unfortunately, the conflicting desires and constant Ana abuse wears me down and I snap at those I love, trust and rely on.

My recovery headspace is so flawed right now. I started slipping while I was traveling and upon my arrival home, was confronted by KY. The next day was extremely difficult but went reasonably well, all things considered. The next day, I was extremely sick with a quickie virus and threw up everything I ate (not by choice).

Well, that was the end of that. I’d just as soon

  • Skip meals
  • Purge (This is the BIG one right now)
  • Start cutting pieces out of my diet
  • Edge towards additional, anxiety-driven exercise

I had to fight harder not to purge yesterday than I have in months. It’s like it was when I was at my sickest but I physically wasn’t able to purge. I ended up missing my snack and delaying dinner to impossibly late times which just about killed me with the anxiety. I was *non-functional*. Today, it’s Halloween. Cupcakes and candy all around! Anddddd there’s the problem. I’m not technically Ana (not that it matters); I’m EDNOS. I have a lean towards Ana but Mia rears her ugly head quite commonly. It’s like there’s this switch in my head: everything or nothing. I have a drive to always eat LESS because I typically always eat MORE. I was a binge eater for 12 years; I don’t really know how to self-regulate. I will just as soon eat a whole cake as none of the cake and feel internally driven to do ONE or the OTHER and as such, I restrict so I don’t eat it all. Holidays are problems for me. They didn’t use to be when I was twice this size; then, I enjoyed the food to the max. Now, though, it’s a problem.

Here are some points I need to remember about the holidays:

  • If I restrict, I will end up binging.
  • If I restrict, I will lose weight but will slow down my metabolism, leaving me with uneven body conformation when I gain weight again.
  • Any food that I want is not going to disappear off the face of the Earth. I can have a bit now and a bit later.
  • I have minimum caloric needs and falling beneath those is not acceptable.
  • Just because something isn’t a perfect fit into my meal plan, it’s still food.
  • “I’ll do better tomorrow” isn’t an excuse for blowing off today.
  • Whether I’m a smaller size or bigger size, I am still loved.

Ok, I can do this. We can do this. 🙂 What are your favorite eating disorder holiday coping tips? Remember, recovery-focused!

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