Never Good Enough

31 07 2010
She tries harder then the average teen
An overachiver with low self-esteem
Wants to walk like a star
But she takes it too far
She’s never good enough

This song is a song that’s not exactly right, but it’s close. I remember when all I wanted in the world was to be able to touch my pointer finger and thumb around my left wrist. It’s my bigger wrist and that’s all I wanted. When I could do that, I’d be happy. I’d stop. I’d eat normally.

It didn’t happen like that. I can now not only touch my fingers together, my fingers overlap. I’m certainly not any more happy. I’m struggling to stop. My goal has shifted.

On the plus side, though, I’m eating better than I ever have. I’m not only meeting my specified calorie count, on most days, I exceed it. I’m still exercising and I’ve noticed I perform better on days that I eat more. However, I have no drive to eat. I have no appetite. This is a new thing, probably 3 or 4 days old. I don’t even think about food until I glance at the clock and see that it’s “time” to eat. My first round with ana was a lot like this . . . .  never thinking about food and never noticing. This time, however, I’m in recovery, not ana. I’m not sure what’s sapped my appetite. For awhile, I’d get hungry around normal meal times. Now, I’m just not. It does make it difficult to eat enough because I’m just not hungry. I’ve switched to eating a lot more nuts and peanut butter. They’re very calorie dense and small, so I don’t have to struggle to finish them.

I’m also tired all the time. I wake up tired. I stay tired. It’s a struggle to get things done. I would wonder if it weren’t depression but I haven’t lost my social drive, what little social drive I have, anyways. I’m sporadically dizzy for no good reason, too, even on days I eat really well.

In any case, I’m still doing stellar concerning food. I haven’t weighed myself in forever and don’t know that I really want to. Part of me does and part of me is scared to. I’m doing well . . . . . but I also know that when I’m eating a much as I am, I automatically gain “dry” weight. (The weight of the food and water and digestive juices and junk.) That number is usually a good 3 pounds more than it is when I’m eating less. So, I don’t know that I want to psych myself out.

Just a general update. Until laters,

Me. 🙂

Back On Track

18 07 2010

So I think I’m getting back on track. It hasn’t been the easiest week on Earth, but it’s a week worth of steps in the right direction. I went through the angry, defensive stage and am now back to the “Just gotta do whatcha gotta do” stage. I’m measuring out my food again and carefully ensuring I at least hit my suggested calorie count. My anxiety response is getting better, too.

I’ve also started flirting with exercise. . . . . Can’t say I like it, want it, or enjoy it, but hey, whatever. 🙂

Coming Clean

10 07 2010

So . . . . . I’ve finally come clean about how far I’ve slipped, how far I’ve fallen.

It hasn’t just been “struggling a little bit.” It’s been close to all-out restrictive reversion, to the point that a normal sized, low-calorie meal gave me an anxiety attack yesterday.

We’re going back to meal plans and rigid accountability. No choices, no excuses.

I don’t like this plan. I’m clinging far too tightly and am *almost* too far gone to see the benefit. It scares me because I know the struggle and pain that will ensue.

It’s worth it. . . . . I know it is. Freedom is always worth fighting for.

I guess I really just didn’t and don’t want to admit that this will always be here. . . . . always something that I can give no ground because then, the ground swallows me up.

Extended Update

1 07 2010

So it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted and I feel obligated to provide an update. Not only do I wish to do so for myself, but I also wish to show that struggles are common throughout the process of recovery.

It’s. . . . . . . it’s been a rough month. Food freak-outs are pretty common. Sometimes I eat too much and sometimes I don’t eat enough. I haven’t been purging but the battle is stronger than ever. The thoughts are pervasive, annoying, and constant. After a quick drop of a few pounds, though, my weight has been stable.

I’m having an easier time ignoring the pervasive voices and ED suggestions, but at the same point in time, some days, I just want to embrace my eating disorder with ever fiber of my being. I want to embrace the endorphin high, the sense of control, and the ability to shut the voices up.

I do, however, know that ED is an angel of darkness. While I know that the voices would shut up briefly, in the long run, they would quickly become clamoring and loud. They would make me miserable and sap every bit of self-confidence that I have. I know that the endorphin rush comes and comes strong. . . . . yet brings a crash of depression like nothing else. I know that the initial sense of control quickly fades as ana would grip my brain and body once again, leading eventually into the loathsome cycle of mia.

It’s not worth it. There are days I long for the freedom to do as my mind drives me to do. . . . . . yet I know the temporary pay-off isn’t worth the long-term struggle and pain. I’m weary fighting now, yet if I take 5 steps back, it’ll only be that much harder to regain my footing.

Until we talk again, my friends, know that the only option is to keep on keeping on. One bite, one food, one meal, one day, at a time.

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