Meal Planning

26 04 2010

Today has just been one of those really fun frickin’ days. Seriously, it’s been GRAND.

I feel like I’m choking down sawdust. It takes me about a minute to chew, and force myself to swallow, each bite. I am NOT having a good day, food wise. Today is, of course, the day that my calorie count is being upped.

1700 calories. I can barely handle 1500 on a day to day basis, and it’s being upped. It’ll be a challenge. . . . . something new to conquer.

I didn’t have a meal plan done for this morning. . . . . . not that it really would have mattered, since my alarm didn’t go off, and I had no time to think about food, anyways. Thankfully, though, I have these great nutrient shakes to go that have saved my butt more than once. . . . . . . . so breakfast was fine. I scrounged together lunch, and because I’m having such a hard time today, I’ve planned a smoothie for dinner.

The past few days have just been difficult. Flashbacks, dreams, large amounts of change, and those stupid obsessive thoughts that WON’T go away. . . . . . . . . I’m tired, frustrated, and irritable, and I HATE food right now.

But. . . . . . . . what I do know is that this, too, will pass. This is just a stage; one that must be conquered. Ed has caught me at a weak point, and I can feel myself slipping. . . . . . . . but I’m grabbing for any hold that I can.

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I Tried To Be Perfect

14 04 2010

A dear and special friend sent this to me, and I’ve spent the morning listening to it, and trying to soak in the message. . . . . . . it seems the longer this goes, the harder the fight is. . . . . . . which is ridiculous, since most things get better with time. For everyone else walking this road, may you get the same message out of this that I did. . . . . . . That we are loved, and that freedom is always worth fighting for!


I tried to be perfect,
But nothing was worth it,
I don’t believe it makes me real.
I thought it’d be easy,
But no one believes me,
I meant all the things I said.

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show,
That I’m trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.

This place is so empty,
My thoughts are so tempting,
I don’t know how it got so bad.
Sometimes it’s so crazy,
that nothing can save me,
But it’s the only thing that I have.

If you believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if it would show,
That I’m trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.

On my own…

I tried to be perfect,
It just wasn’t worth it,
Nothing could ever be so wrong.
It’s hard to believe me,
It never gets easy,
I guess I knew that all along.

If you believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if it would show,
That I’m trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.





Emotion and Food

13 04 2010

As many of us know, our “food issues” begin and end with emotion. On some level, anorexia is often used to provide a focus other than emotional pain and numbness, and bulimia is, as well. When you’re too busy hating yourself and pouring everything you are into your disorder, it’s almost impossible to deal with any other emotion.

Failure at school.

It’s because I’m fat.

Failure at work.

It’s because I’m fat.

Argument with roommate.

It’s because I’m fat.

Death in the family.

It’s because I’m fat.

No matter what, our brain twists everything around so that we can ignore the pain of life and focus on one thing. . . . . . . . . how incredibly fat we are!

The past couple days have been an emotional roller coaster, and I’m not really sure why. I’ve noticed the ED thinking kicking it up a few notches, and I’ve watched that, and then, done my own thing. (Yay for ACT thinking. . . . . . . . or trying, at least.) I’ve done what I’ve needed to do, but it was out of sense of obligation, and, often, to avoid stirring the pot. I know I’ll end up eating, in the end, and so, fighting over it doesn’t accomplish much. . . . . . . . well, it does, but I’m not willing to go there.

I’ve gotten a scale to start tracking my weight, since I’ve increased my activity level a good bit, and KY and I will start fiddling with my calorie count based on that data. I’m worried about it, because I’ve developed kind of a wary working comfortableness with 1500 calories, but it just about kills me to go over that. I guess that’s why I’m “in recovery”, no?

Today, I’ve picked up some kind of stomach virus, and I threw up lunch. . . . . . . . . . and had to eat again. I can’t say that I was thrilled, but I also know why KY did that. . . . . . . . to avoid giving my body and brain an out. It can be so easy to say, “Well, I didn’t purge!” and think that’s the end of it. . . . . . when in all reality, I don’t know the difference between ACTUALLY throwing up, and willing myself to throw up anymore. I’ve hands-free purged for so long that I just don’t have the distinction.

So, while I still feel relatively horrible, I have, at least, eaten lunch, and am heading to get some much needed rest.





Nevada, Day Seventeen

5 04 2010

0801. It’s been a grand morning. I woke up around 0530, but I didn’t move until 0700. I slept all night, and I slept well. It’s honestly about time. . . . . . I was getting to the point that nothing was really registering, because of how exhausted I was getting. Overnight, we got a good 3 inches of snow, and it is GORGEOUS. I finally got moving, and went off to vitals. Weight, 155, BP 118/70, and Temp, 97.3. All stable. 🙂 Breakfast was a smoothie, but I had to make it with soymilk instead of my normal protein shake base. 😦 Today, we have yoga and art therapy, and I’m not really sure what else.

1050. This has been an awesome morning. Instead of yoga, we took advantage of the warm, yet snowy morning, and went on a walk. The snow glistened like diamonds, the air was crisp and clean, and the time relaxing. Afterwards, since the wind coming in off the mountains was quite cold, we took a break for some hot tea, and then we went straight into art therapy. Today, Victoria is doing her first split drawing, consisting of the darkest place she’s ever been, and the absolute happiest she can imagine. I did a second one, consisting of where I am right now, and where I believe I can go. When I first started this project, I couldn’t even see myself on the recovery side of the page. . . . . . . . I couldn’t see a way to make it over there, although I knew there had to be a way. Today, the appearance of the second part of this project is far different. No longer filled with desolation and hopelessness, there are splashes of color on the “now” side of the page, although, they’re often overshadowed by black and gray. The color shines through. . . . . . . . . . it’s definitely there. . . . . . . . . but there’s a foggy, murky quality to it. On the other side, though, the colors are bright, vibrant, stunning. There’s a small patch of gray, for I just don’t currently see how life can possibly be lived without some kinda fog to it. . . . . . . . . . I’ve never known life not to be “foggy”. The two sides are NOTHING the same, though, and the colors on the “potential” side of the page are colors that I can see happening, for the first time in my life. We’re taking the last half of art therapy to talk about our projects, both the current one, and past ones.

This day feels entirely different from any of the past few. I feel vibrant, connected, and fully in the present. It’s a new day; a new start; a time to make progress. I’m loved, needed, cherished, and not only do I have people fighting for me, but I have the strength and wherewithall, today, to fight for myself. This is my current song addiction, the one that speaks volumes. I might do a post later about why it’s perfect for the current situation.

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I’ve done
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I’ve done
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

For what I’ve done

I’ll start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done

I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

What I’ve done

Forgiving what I’ve done

1155. We’re finished talking about our projects, and we made several startling correlations concerning my concepts of recovery. Without fail, my “now” or “current” or “deep, dark place” projects involve shades of gray, red, and hints of yellow, although this one had far more color. My recovery projects always are bright, vibrant, and involve bright blue, green, yellow, and orange. This is a correlation we just saw today, when all of my projects where laid out side by side. We’re getting ready to head to lunch. 😀

1843. It’s been quite an afternoon, to say the least. Lunch was wonderful, and then, we all headed out for what has become the normal Monday outing, bowling. That was fun, but I got totally and absolutely CREAMED. It was still fun, though. Victoria and I did some painting, and then, caught up with some various important people in our lives. Shortly after, we moved on to dinner, which was far more difficult than it probably needed to be. Since then, we’ve just been chilling, and we’ve now started a movie called “Old Dogs”. I’ve never heard of it, but it has good reviews.





Nevada, Happy Easter

4 04 2010

0702. Happy Easter, everyone! It was a long night, but it’s finally morning, and time to do whatever I want. 😀 We’re allowed to “sleep as late as we want to” today, so I think I’m probably just gonna stay holed up and be all anti-social. I’ve got all of my art work scattered around my room, and it’s taking on a personable look, finally. Victoria and I have the Easter outing. . . . . . . I’m pretty psyched about that. It’ll be amazing.

1013. It’s been a low-key morning. Breakfast was toasty and melty and amazing. . . . . . .. . . . . A hot peanut butter roll-up. Vitals were pretty good. . . . . . . . . Weight 154.5, BP 107/68, and temp 97.4. Since breakfast, I’ve been enjoying a John Grisham book and holding text conversations with half of America. The weather has finally (thankfully!) cleared, and this definitely has the makings of a good day. I had a great phone call that I took while staring at Heavenly (one of the big mountains out here) and watching the avalanches rumble down the mountains. Apparently, they set them off with dynamite so that the skiers don’t do it by accident. 😀 The only thing to do before going out on pass today is to make my meal plan for tomorrow. I believe I’ll probably spend the morning reading my book, sipping tea, and listening to fine music. Happy Easter to me!

2110. The outing today was WONDERFUL. Movies, laughter, girl time, and wonderful food. Absolutely everything was homemade, and it was very relaxed and enjoyable. The next week is supposed to be insanely busy, so I’m excited about that. It’ll be a good week.

The meal tonight went really well, although I guess I didn’t watch everything as closely as I could have. It was really good, though, although a bit difficult. We started Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. . . . . . . . . . . . I’m lovin’ it. 🙂





Nevada, Day Thirteen

1 04 2010

0813. Vitals are over, and so is breakfast. Vitals weren’t really all that fun today. . . . . . . My weight has fluctuated a pound and a half (156.5), and my blood pressure is still a bit lower than what it has been, but higher than it was yesterday. It was 100/70 today, but my temp was 97.2. It’s April Fool’s Day, and Victoria and I are working very diligently on a great April Fool’s prank. I’ve decided that I’m a Trader Joe’s addict. There are NONE in my home state, but there are 3 in surrounding states, within a 100 mile drive. *grins* That’s not bad, at all. I’d drive that for the fun of it. The more I discover Trader Joe’s foods, the happier I am with eating. 😀 I had a smoothie this morning for breakfast, with PB, banana, and chocolate whey, using a protein shake as a base, and it was quite good, although anxiety-inducing. I’ve struggled a little bit more the past couple days with anxiety, but it’s still NOTHING like it used to be.

I have a new camera. 😀 *does dance* I’m a crazy happy camper, and have been trying to figure out all the new settings. There isn’t much going on today, at all. We’re starting a new inspirational painting, though. (Remember Stripe Overload?) Well, Victoria has to start HER version today (which can be whatever she wants it to be), and I get to do one, as well. It’ll be fun. I’ve already got an idea, and I’ve gotten some input from a couple of friends. I’ve got to hit the workbook hard and heavy today, because Dr. Dan is coming tomorrow. I don’t think being on Chapter Five two weeks in a row is a good idea.

1234. It’s been quite a morning! I just finished with lunch, potato soup. I’ve gotta say it wasn’t the best, but then again, I don’t typically eat things that come out of cans. 🙂 All morning, I’ve been working on a project. We started another inspirational poster, and I actually finished mine. It’s a pastel beach scene with the words “Never give up for that is when the tide will turn” stenciled above it. I don’t like pastels. . . . . . . . I’d never used them before, and they’re not nearly as exact as I wanted them to be. Color is smeared everywhere, and I can’t say it was my favorite project, but it will add a good bit of color to my room. That will be good. After that was lunch, and while it wasn’t the best, I ate it. I’m really struggling with anxiety today concerning food, and that soup really filled me up. During PDT, I started working on my meal plan for tomorrow, and no matter which way I flip-flopped things, increased portion sizes, and added stuff in, I was short. After 45 minutes, I was STILL short. I’m currently 45 calories short, which is far better than the 250 I was short 20 minutes before that. *sigh* I’m getting frustrated with meal plans. . . . . . . . This is supposed to be EASIER, not harder. 1504. We had some mad Wii tournaments after lunch, and I kicked butt in bowling and tennis, but lost miserably at baseball. I hurt my shoulder in tennis, but the pain quickly passed. Gotta love it. 😀 Alex and I had a session about my meal plans and calorie count. . . . . . . My protein count is great, but my fat count is low. I’ve got to work on that a bit. He tossed the idea out of raising my calories again, and I nixed that one. I’ve also earned the right to go on walks by myself, so I’ll be able to do a bit more exercise. I’m gonna hafta say I’m definitely excited about that, and next week, we’re going to go on a hike. I am stoked! We talked a bit about the Easter outing and rules, as well. Rules there are the same here, but we serve as accountability for each other. It’ll be my first “real world” excursion, and it will be a challenge. Alex says that’s why he’s excited about it. . . . . . . . It will give me a chance to succeed. I’m worried.

1608. We just had an awesome communications group. It was an exercise I’ve done before drawing, but we used blocks. Two people sit back to back with the exact same pile of blocks in front of them. Blocks vary by color, size, and type. One person (the communicator) builds a tower, and then they must describe the tower to the other person (the listener). The listener’s goal is for their tower to appear EXACTLY the way the communicator’s tower does. The hitch is that the listener may say NOTHING. The can’t ask questions, peek, or give feedback in any way. During the first round, the results are often hysterically funny, as there is a COMPLETE communication disconnect. The two towers are often NOTHING alike. So, the exercise is repeated, with the ability for the listener to ask questions and seek clarification. It takes awhile, but the towers eventually match. Then, roles are switched.

This is a frustrating, fun, inspiring, eye-opening activity. It’s a really good exercise to drive home the point that communication without feedback and clarification can be not only frustrating, but detrimental. It helps to drive home the point that if something isn’t understood, advice and feedback HAS to sought because the long-term ramifications can be horrible. I really enjoyed that session.

2104. Last update for the night. The evening was consumed with dinner, PDT, homework, and relaxation. Dinner was grand. . . . . . . . a chicken burrito and fresh fruit. . . . . . . . and was exceptionally anxiety producing. I spent a good bit of PDT pacing, and then had my pacing privileges removed on a couple different counts. Victoria and Brittney played Wii, and I caught up with some online stuff. We then all turned to homework, and I read the rest of the ACT book. I did most of the exercises, but there were several “feeling” based exercises that I didn’t do. Not only was I not comfortable with my own feelings, but neither was I comfortable sharing those feelings with Dr. Dan, for I know he’ll see those exercises. The biggest thing that stuck out to me tonight was the phrase, “Every minute you spend calorie counting, purging, binging, excessively exercising, and having anxiety attacks is a minute you take away from what truly matters to you.” That drove everything home. . . . . . . . that without the eating disorder, I can actually talk about LIFE with the people I love. I can have a different focus, and my life can move forward. Today has been relatively anxiety-ridden, and I’ve still got food left to eat. I’ve managed to put it off this long, but it’s not waiting much longer. Victoria and I are taking our showers (instead of the nightly movie), and that was my last ditch effort at “It’s too late to eat. . . . .” After I eat this snack, I’ll probably head to bed. Busy day tomorrow!





Nevada, Day Ten

29 03 2010

0630. The wind is blowing again, hellishly and hard across the valley. The naked branches of the bushes scratch against the screen in the window, and the window (and house, for that matter), shake against the force of the wind. The direction of the wind will change, and another target, another window, another part of the house, will be chosen. Without warning, it’ll begin to scratch at the original window, harder, faster than before . . . .

Yeah, sounds like fun, no? I’ve got some pretty nasty PTSD . . . . that didn’t make for a fun night. I was having nightmares before the wind started, and after wards, it was royally not good. Monday. . . . . vitals, breakfast, yoga, art therapy, Alex, bowling, Dr. Dan. Full day. I’ve also got to talk to Gene today. . . . . . full days are busy days. . . . . . busy days don’t leave time for thinking and feeling. This is my first official day on the upped calorie count. I don’t know how I feel. It is what it is.

0751. Yep. Gained more weight. Isn’t this grand? I’m at 155, now. I think I’m starting to doubt that I WANT to see my weight. BP stabilized; same as yesterday.Temp is 97.5. Directly afterwards, I ate a massively huge breakfast and I’m way full now. This whole “meeting calorie count” thing is somewhat difficult. Way difficult. The rest of the day should be a little easier. . . . . . . those meals are about the “normal” sized ones. Normal for here, anyways. They’re sufficiently small, but bigger than I would have eaten at home. Anyways, breakfast was good, and that was its saving grace. I think I’m developing an addiction to those ham, egg, and cheese sandwiches. They’re really good.

1151. Yoga and art therapy are over. Yoga was a restorative session, which means that we got to relax, and lay down, and just breathe the whole time. In art therapy, we started the “box project”. This is an external representation of ourselves. It’s a six-sided wooden box, and you can do absolutely anything to it that one so desires. Thus far, I’ve painted 5 of the sides, white, and one black. I’ve also painted the letters of my name, in blue, but I haven’t put them on the box, yet. Lunch is in a little bit. . . . . . . . Alex and Gene are talking, and Christina and I are just hanging out.

1326. Turns out that the weight gain HAS been water weight. It is, my friends, my TOTM. Don’tcha just hate that? Mine is so irregular that I can never pinpoint it, so it always catches me off-guard. It would also explain the cravings that I’ve had recently, and the mood changes. We’re all getting ready to go bowling again, which is the Monday outing. We’re meeting up with several people at the bowling alley. . . . . it should prove fun. I’ve just gotta find the energy to enjoy it. 🙂

1713. It’s been quite an afternoon! A huge group of us met up at the bowling alley, and had a couple of rousing games. Victoria, a girl who has been looking into the program, came, and she and I talked for quite a while. I got totally creamed in both games, coming in dead last. Gotta love it! It was a good bit of fun, though. I’ve eaten dinner, and Alex discovered a discrepancy in my meal plan. . . . . . I was 175 calories off. I really DIDN’T do it on purpose . . . . I’ve got to make that up…… I hinted that all of the weight gain was because of water weight, and not my metabolism. Alex said that would be taken into account. In any case, I still have to meet my calorie count today. I can’t say I’m thrilled . . . . . I fought hard to “meet” my calorie count, and it wasn’t even close. Dr. Dan is coming at 1900. . . . . . . we’re starting to work through The Anorexia Workbook.

2100. Dr. Dan has been, and just recently left. I just finished my meal plan for tomorrow (several hours late. . . . . *gulp*), and FINALLY got it close to 1500. It took me FOREVER, but it finally settled at 1497. That’s as good as it’s gettin’. Dr. Dan’s session tonight had to do with the development of values, and how to weight them against feelings and beliefs. Feelings and beliefs often lie. . . . . . For instance, just because you FEEL fat doesn’t mean that you ARE fat, and it doesn’t mean that you should act on the impulsive to fast all day (in order to relieve the fat feeling), because that directly flies in the face of the values of “Good Health” which supports the values of “Education”, “Work”, and “Family”. ACT (Acceptance-Commitment Therapy) has to do with observing thoughts without judgement, and balancing that urge/impulse against your value system. Values are unchanging. They’re important today, tomorrow, and the day after that. They’re always important, even if you don’t FEEL like they are. Basically, negative thoughts will occur. We can’t make them go away, and the harder we try to, the more those thoughts intrude, and the stronger they get. Accept them; allow them to be there. Then, act on what matters to your VALUE SYSTEM, not what you FEEL. Feelings lie; values don’t.

Meal plan done. Session done. I’m going to bed.








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