In the Dark

31 10 2010

I feel like I’m lost, separated from the rest of the world and in the dark. A war is raging within and I don’t know how to verbalize it or express it. Unfortunately, the conflicting desires and constant Ana abuse wears me down and I snap at those I love, trust and rely on.

My recovery headspace is so flawed right now. I started slipping while I was traveling and upon my arrival home, was confronted by KY. The next day was extremely difficult but went reasonably well, all things considered. The next day, I was extremely sick with a quickie virus and threw up everything I ate (not by choice).

Well, that was the end of that. I’d just as soon

  • Skip meals
  • Purge (This is the BIG one right now)
  • Start cutting pieces out of my diet
  • Edge towards additional, anxiety-driven exercise

I had to fight harder not to purge yesterday than I have in months. It’s like it was when I was at my sickest but I physically wasn’t able to purge. I ended up missing my snack and delaying dinner to impossibly late times which just about killed me with the anxiety. I was *non-functional*. Today, it’s Halloween. Cupcakes and candy all around! Anddddd there’s the problem. I’m not technically Ana (not that it matters); I’m EDNOS. I have a lean towards Ana but Mia rears her ugly head quite commonly. It’s like there’s this switch in my head: everything or nothing. I have a drive to always eat LESS because I typically always eat MORE. I was a binge eater for 12 years; I don’t really know how to self-regulate. I will just as soon eat a whole cake as none of the cake and feel internally driven to do ONE or the OTHER and as such, I restrict so I don’t eat it all. Holidays are problems for me. They didn’t use to be when I was twice this size; then, I enjoyed the food to the max. Now, though, it’s a problem.

Here are some points I need to remember about the holidays:

  • If I restrict, I will end up binging.
  • If I restrict, I will lose weight but will slow down my metabolism, leaving me with uneven body conformation when I gain weight again.
  • Any food that I want is not going to disappear off the face of the Earth. I can have a bit now and a bit later.
  • I have minimum caloric needs and falling beneath those is not acceptable.
  • Just because something isn’t a perfect fit into my meal plan, it’s still food.
  • “I’ll do better tomorrow” isn’t an excuse for blowing off today.
  • Whether I’m a smaller size or bigger size, I am still loved.

Ok, I can do this. We can do this. 🙂 What are your favorite eating disorder holiday coping tips? Remember, recovery-focused!

Advertisements




Green Eggs and Ham Recovery

25 10 2010

I’m currently traveling. Carrie, of ED-Bites, wrote a really good post right before I left. Her list is full of things that we all KNOW but that become very easy to forget. For instance, have fun, bring calorie and nutrient-dense snacks and have a back-up plan. It’s the same thing we’ve all done the entire time we’ve been in recovery . . . . but all of a sudden, when you switch up the locale, it’s like we’re on the moon. Nothing works the way it should. Everything is screwy and “different.”

For me, this is “green eggs and ham” recovery. Would you eat it here or there? Would you eat it anywhere? Would you eat it in a box? Would you eat it with a fox? Would you eat them in a house? Would you eat them with a mouse?

Most often, my answer to all of that is, “NO.” I would not eat it in a box. I would not eat it with a fox. I would not eat it in a house. I would not eat it with a mouse. I would not eat it here or there. I would not eat it anywhere!

I don’t want any part of this food at home. Now, all of a sudden, I’m on the road for 10 days. Well, it’s not really “all of a sudden.” This was a trip that’s been planned for weeks/months/huge chunk of time. I wasn’t gonna miss out. I convinced myself that I could do this and I’m determined to do it, darnit.

It’s not easy. My green eggs and ham just aren’t happening well. I’ve eaten food I don’t like and that I’m not comfortable with. I’ve chowed down on greasy local pizza because it was the only thing available. I’ve chowed down on a huge bag of trail mix because I got stressed and found myself eating it out of boredom and anxiety . . . . which only made me more anxious! My anxiety levels are already through the roof because I’ve gained a rather significant chunk of weight relatively quickly. I never dropped below a healthy weight; there’s no reason for me to gain weight. So, that’s causing issues.

The need to restrict, to cut back, to let go, is strong and intense. I’m careful to eat more than I think I need and to eat calorie-dense foods such as nuts and cheeses. My roommate for this trip is vegetarian and is VERY set on “healthy, low-calorie, organic” foods. She has very set ideas as to what “good” food is and what “bad” food is. Heaven forbid she see anyone eating a “bad” food. She goes on a rant about it. She also said something that I think has screwed up my head even worse than it was . . . .  well, two things:

  • I don’t eat corn. Pigs eat corn and have you seen them?
  • Then, she said something that someone said to her when she was heavier. She said, “They said, ‘You’re fat. I won’t sugarcoat it because I’m afraid you’d eat that, too.”

Well, I just about lost it. I FEEL like I’m eating everything and I know I’m eating a lot more than I usually do. Part of that is related to my period, part of it related to coming into this phase of recovery from an INTENSE starvation phase and part of it just stress. I eat more than she does. I feel like I eat more than EVERYONE because I NEVER see them eat.

Right now, I just am having a really hard time dealing with myself and the green eggs and ham recovery. I was determined to make it here, though, darnit, and I’m gonna eat. End of story. I like green eggs and ham! I like them, Sam I Am!





Recovery Means:

18 10 2010

Eating disorder recovery sometimes means:

  • Buying fresh, local food, just so it doesn’t have a label.
  • Purchasing single-serve packages of food so that you’re not tempted to short-change yourself and so you don’t have to measure anything.
  • Giving yourself permission to not be ok but going ahead with the general plan anyways.
  • Allowing yourself to scream and rant and cry when needed.
  • Doing what you must instead of what feels good.
  • Finding a quiet, safe outlet.
  • Learning that some things are only feelings.
  • Knowing that the only way to not be afraid of food is to eat it over and over and over.
  • Recognizing that one hotdog cannot make you gain 10 pounds no matter how you feel about it.
  • Learning that your body works the way everyone else’s does.
  • Destroying the scales.
  • Buying new clothes.
  • Getting rid of old clothes that never should have fit.
  • Using a permanent marker liberally on labels, both on food and clothes.
  • Learning that a number is a number is a number.
  • Letting go of the obsessions.
  • Finding that one outfit that makes you feel like a queen.
  • Laughing with friends, dancing in the rain and enjoying the cider or hot chocolate.
  • Realizing that you don’t have to eat less in order to make up for what you might eat later.
  • Learning to love the fact that the lies ED is feeding you don’t fit into your meal plan.
  • Relishing the fact that every bite is a nail in ED’s coffin.
  • And, last, from Carrie: Learning to forgive yourself. (I believe she said, “I ate, hated myself and then forgave myself.”)




No More Secrets

16 10 2010

As I look over this past posts, it seems as if there’s always a “starting again.” I’ve yet to see a “I just ate a huge meal that I greatly enjoyed and it was wonderful. The end.”

I’m looking forward to that day. Yesterday, I was asked about my ED and how I was doing. I’d been doing horrible. I’d fallen fast and far. My calorie count had dwindled to basically non-existent. I was sporadically purging. I was lying about my intake and activities.

I’m glad that’s all out in the open. It’s almost as if once that barrier between ED and the world is broken, it’s ok to just “be” sick. There is no shame, no embarrassment and no fear. It’s ok that I’m struggling. It’s ok that I’m having a hard time. What’s not ok is not eating or purging and not telling anyone. Well, it’s not really ok, period. Regardless, it feels wonderful to have the OPTION of telling someone, a luxury that ED strips from me quickly and completely.

ED has been raging ever since I finally told. It’s been really bad, a war zone in my own head. However, I’ve had a good day and I foresee many, many, many more to come. So, today, I make an affirmation:

NO MORE SECRETS. When the secrets come, recovery starts to slip. That can’t happen again. I won’t allow it to happen again.





Back On Track

18 07 2010

So I think I’m getting back on track. It hasn’t been the easiest week on Earth, but it’s a week worth of steps in the right direction. I went through the angry, defensive stage and am now back to the “Just gotta do whatcha gotta do” stage. I’m measuring out my food again and carefully ensuring I at least hit my suggested calorie count. My anxiety response is getting better, too.

I’ve also started flirting with exercise. . . . . Can’t say I like it, want it, or enjoy it, but hey, whatever. 🙂





Extended Update

1 07 2010

So it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted and I feel obligated to provide an update. Not only do I wish to do so for myself, but I also wish to show that struggles are common throughout the process of recovery.

It’s. . . . . . . it’s been a rough month. Food freak-outs are pretty common. Sometimes I eat too much and sometimes I don’t eat enough. I haven’t been purging but the battle is stronger than ever. The thoughts are pervasive, annoying, and constant. After a quick drop of a few pounds, though, my weight has been stable.

I’m having an easier time ignoring the pervasive voices and ED suggestions, but at the same point in time, some days, I just want to embrace my eating disorder with ever fiber of my being. I want to embrace the endorphin high, the sense of control, and the ability to shut the voices up.

I do, however, know that ED is an angel of darkness. While I know that the voices would shut up briefly, in the long run, they would quickly become clamoring and loud. They would make me miserable and sap every bit of self-confidence that I have. I know that the endorphin rush comes and comes strong. . . . . yet brings a crash of depression like nothing else. I know that the initial sense of control quickly fades as ana would grip my brain and body once again, leading eventually into the loathsome cycle of mia.

It’s not worth it. There are days I long for the freedom to do as my mind drives me to do. . . . . . yet I know the temporary pay-off isn’t worth the long-term struggle and pain. I’m weary fighting now, yet if I take 5 steps back, it’ll only be that much harder to regain my footing.

Until we talk again, my friends, know that the only option is to keep on keeping on. One bite, one food, one meal, one day, at a time.





Struggling

28 05 2010
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I’ve tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It’s the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.
I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I’m lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don’t see
But it’s one missed step
You’ll slip before you know it
And there doesn’t seem a way to be redeemed
Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

No, I haven’t relapsed. . . . but I feel as if I’m fighting an uphill, losing battle. Someone very close and dear to me, a man who willingly adopted the “father” role throughout most of my childhood, died tragically and unexpectedly. All desire for food was instantly stricken from me. . . . .Eating is difficult, at best, and feels impossible at worst. I bicker and fight about food, something I haven’t done in a long time. I’ve made the promises to fight. . . . . to stay strong. . . . . and I’m trying, but it seems impossible. I feel as if I’ve been driven to my knees in a world that just keeps spinning.

I purged for the first time in roughly two months the other night. I didn’t binge. . . . but I was eating emotionally. I quickly got back on track the next day; I wanted no part of that demon. I was seeking that numb, foggy feeling that purging brings. . . . . that disconnect from everything around you. . . . and it just didn’t happen.

Since then, I have struggled to eat. I met my calorie count yesterday, but with a lot of consternation along the way. The day before, I wasn’t even close. Today, I’m just struck with the absolutely MASSIVE amount of food that 1700 calories is. It doesn’t make sense; it’s too much.

Four days ago, I believed that this was going to be ok. . . . . that food was coming naturally and easily, most of the time, and it was just going to settle into a lulling rhythm. Now, I don’t know. Nothing feels the way it did, and feels more akin to how it used to.








%d bloggers like this: