10 Reasons Why ED Sucks (TW)

16 04 2011

Why am I making yet another list, you may ask? Because I need this right now. Everywhere I turn, everyone under the sun is losing weight, becoming summer ready, cutting calories here and exercising more here. Everyone in the entire universe is encouraged by everyone else in the entire universe to cut calories, choose the lower-fat option, shave 300 calories here, another 500 there and to do anything possible to lose weight — even when it sounds stupid.

That is, everyone but me. I’m not allowed to cut calories and shave nutrition and “lose weight fast.” And occasionally, some parts of me find this really unfair. Fast weight loss? I am the QUEEN. I am. I can manage well over a pound a day left to my own devices — and these are the thoughts that are crippling me right now.

I gained a significant amount of weight over the holidays and I’m trying to lose it healthily but I’m finding ED is snagging his grimy little claws into my brain more and more with every passing week (and pound or two). I’m scared of food I didn’t make. Heaven forbid I get full. More than two servings of anything but veggies or fruit? In your dreams. Full-fat WHAT? Ha. You’ve lost your cotton-picking mind. I don’t drink liquid calories. End of story. No, I’d rather feel like I’m actively dying than eat a cracker — do you know how many carbs are in that?

You get the idea. My eating disordered brain is running the show while my recovery-driven actions are powering it. So, it’s time to remind myself why ED sucks — and that’s why I’m here today. 😀

  1. ED takes away your social life. People might try to give you food. Why should I involve myself with that. Summer is coming — I want all of my friends around.
  2. ED leeches off your emotions. Can anyone say hello to never-ending anxiety, fear, paranoia and depression?
  3. ED steals your energy. Yeah, so I’m losing weight — I can’t do anything EXCEPT obsess over numbers and sit around and lose weight because I can’t stand.
  4. ED makes you dizzy. No one wants to hang out with the person who passes out every time they stand up.
  5. ED makes you socially worthless. Face it — food is everywhere. No one wants to hang out with the person who can’t eat a simple sandwich and then enjoy an afternoon at the mall.
  6. ED forces you further and further. It’s never a “little bit” of ED. It’s always more and more and more.
  7. ED makes you lie. Enough said — the lies come quickly and easily. Yes, they’re based out of panic and fear — but they’re lies nonetheless.
  8. ED makes your hair fall out. I like my hair on my head, not in my shower drain or all over my pillow.
  9. ED makes focus impossible. Your brain requires minimum amounts of fuel, period. I am not super woman — I can’t run on empty and expect to function.
  10. ED makes clothes impossible. Nothing fits, ever. Everything is always too big or too small.
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2011

3 04 2011

Happy super late New Year, everyone.

A year ago today, I was in residential treatment. 3 days from today, I was sent home from treatment.

It was too early.

The past year, I have had wildly swinging ups and downs concerning my ED. I have lapsed into restricting several times and I have had periods of massive overeating. I have minimally purged.

Through my periods of overeating, I gained 40 pounds.

I had noticed the weight coming on (and it didn’t creep — it was fast and sudden) but I didn’t care — then. The holidays were really hard on me; I lost both parents last year and ended up spending Christmas and New Years alone. That’s not an excuse by any stretch of the imagination, but there you have it — I roughly maintained through the holidays and then started rapidly gaining weight the first couple months of this year.

I was fine; I was fine; I was fine — until this switch flipped in my head. About 3 or 4 days after that, a really, really good friend sat down with me and voiced his concerns. More than anything, he wanted to help . . . . but my now ED-riddled brain latched on to only a few things that he said and that was all she wrote.

Since, I’ve been having a hard time eating correctly. I play at the edge of restriction and toy with the idea of purging. I’ve been on a medication that makes me retain water badly which makes it all the worse — no matter what I do, I gain weight. This really, really, really messes with my head and puts me in a panicked space where all that matters is “fixing” that.

Enter yesterday. Worst day of restriction I’ve had and a drawn out, super rare fight with my SO.

I’m not in a good place right now. Ultimatums were set, which as you guys know, don’t matter to ED — but they matter to me. The ante has been WAY upped, which increases my anxiety (now bordering on panic) which in turn increases my drive to restrict.

It upsets me that another year will be given to this fight.








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