Group

20 05 2010

I attended a recovery group tonight. I’d been promising to attend for weeks now, and never have. I’d definitely always had my doubts about the program, but I had finally worked myself around to it. The issue, for me, wasn’t the “recovery” part or the “support” part or the “information” part. . . . . It was the “Bible and Christ” centered part.

I was raised “Christian.” We, as a family, went to church every Sunday and Wednesday. We attended church functions are participated in all events. I went to camp of a summer, and attended Christian school. My family had a “church” face. We’d pull into the parking lot, and it’s like a light would switch. They’d bicker and scream and fight and cuss all the way there, but buddy, pull in the parking lot, and I had the perfect, most amazing family on Earth. I was exposed to all denominations of Christians, from the wayyyyyyyyy far left wing to the most fundamental Christians of them all, the Independent Baptists.

I grew cold. I grew distant. I will be the first to announce that my moral and values system is Christian-based, but then, most middle-class, white  American’s is. I do not, however, consider myself “Christian.” I don’t welcome Christianity, on any level. I greatly respect those who hold Christian beliefs. I revel in the joy it brings them. I politely listen, and when I have something to add concerning the Bible or Christianity, I will. Most of the time, though, I just listen.

This recovery group is completely Christ and Bible based. There is not a problem with that. There most definitely is not. I know more people who fall back on their faith in God than who don’t. . . . . and I’m so happy that they’re happy, settled, and at peace.

It’s not for me. It’s not a fit. I don’t mesh, click, or feel comfortable. It was nothing to do with the group; they were nothing but open, inviting, and warm-hearted. We were all asked to share our stance and position on God, and I was openly honest with mine. The group was still just as warm and inviting. It has to do with my unwillingness to accept or be directly involved with Christianity.

In any case, there are a couple other resources close to me; I think I’ll check them out. I may attend this group one more time in order to see if perhaps I was just having an “off” night . . . . *soft shrug*

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Nevada, Day Fourteen

2 04 2010

Happy Good Friday, everyone!

0813. I got started really late today. . . . . . . . Julia actually had to wake me up, which never happens. I’m usually up on my own around 0630. I missed my morning reflection time, which helps me a good bit get my headspace right for the day. . . . . . . I had a rough night last night, but hopefully today will be better. Vitals were good, all around. Weight, back to 155. It’s hung out there for several days, minus yesterday. BP, 114/74, and temp 97.1. My weight has stabilized, for the first time in years. Alex is bringing Righteous down the mountain today, and I am STOKED. Not only is he a big, beautiful dog, but that means I have an excuse to take long walks, and get in a bit of running. Victoria is going to Reno for the day for a doctor’s appointment, so it’ll just be Alex, Righteous, and me for the afternoon. Christina is coming this morning for yoga and art therapy. Breakfast was a bit rough. . . . . . . . . . It was really big, which means I’m really full. What’s cool, though, is that I don’t even have the thought that purging is an option, merely that I’m very, very anxious. I do know, though, that the anxiety will fade, and that it’s impossible for it to stick around forever.

1228. Lunch is over. . . . . . . . . bean burrito. We did yoga and art therapy this morning. For the project, we painted the paper mache’ masks that we’ve been building all week. Mine is painted solid black with shaman type tattoos in bright red lines all across the face. . . . . . . . . . as if ED represents a darker side of life, or is an angel of the dark. It often appears to be a saving grace, but in all reality, it never is.

1550. Alex and I just got back from Michael’s, and we got some really good deals. We found some cool projects to do this weekend and picked up some art supplies we needed around the house. Victoria is still out on pass, and I’m just hanging out upstairs. This is the first day thus far that I haven’t taken ANY pictures. . . . . . . . .

1947. I just finished a really good session with Dr. Dan. He called me on all of my defensive mechanisms. He said, “Now, tell me if I’m wrong, but as I see it, you are the QUEEN of intellectualism. You use it to keep your feelings, and people, at a distance, along with your dry humor, bordering on sarcasm.” Well, he’s not wrong, and he was very good to pin-point it. We talked about my PTSD startle reflex, and about my need to talk about my feelings, and turn to people here, as opposed to pushing those feelings and reactions back down. We covered a good bit of the workbook, and all in all, it was a good session. I’ve still got food to eat. . . . . . . . . . 3 cups of popcorn. . . . . . . . . . and there’s no telling when I’ll get to sleep tonight. The wind is blowing like crazy. I swear, I’m sleeping somewhere else tonight. 😀 We will more than likely play Wii for the rest of the night, or track down a good movie.





Nevada, Day Thirteen

1 04 2010

0813. Vitals are over, and so is breakfast. Vitals weren’t really all that fun today. . . . . . . My weight has fluctuated a pound and a half (156.5), and my blood pressure is still a bit lower than what it has been, but higher than it was yesterday. It was 100/70 today, but my temp was 97.2. It’s April Fool’s Day, and Victoria and I are working very diligently on a great April Fool’s prank. I’ve decided that I’m a Trader Joe’s addict. There are NONE in my home state, but there are 3 in surrounding states, within a 100 mile drive. *grins* That’s not bad, at all. I’d drive that for the fun of it. The more I discover Trader Joe’s foods, the happier I am with eating. 😀 I had a smoothie this morning for breakfast, with PB, banana, and chocolate whey, using a protein shake as a base, and it was quite good, although anxiety-inducing. I’ve struggled a little bit more the past couple days with anxiety, but it’s still NOTHING like it used to be.

I have a new camera. 😀 *does dance* I’m a crazy happy camper, and have been trying to figure out all the new settings. There isn’t much going on today, at all. We’re starting a new inspirational painting, though. (Remember Stripe Overload?) Well, Victoria has to start HER version today (which can be whatever she wants it to be), and I get to do one, as well. It’ll be fun. I’ve already got an idea, and I’ve gotten some input from a couple of friends. I’ve got to hit the workbook hard and heavy today, because Dr. Dan is coming tomorrow. I don’t think being on Chapter Five two weeks in a row is a good idea.

1234. It’s been quite a morning! I just finished with lunch, potato soup. I’ve gotta say it wasn’t the best, but then again, I don’t typically eat things that come out of cans. 🙂 All morning, I’ve been working on a project. We started another inspirational poster, and I actually finished mine. It’s a pastel beach scene with the words “Never give up for that is when the tide will turn” stenciled above it. I don’t like pastels. . . . . . . . I’d never used them before, and they’re not nearly as exact as I wanted them to be. Color is smeared everywhere, and I can’t say it was my favorite project, but it will add a good bit of color to my room. That will be good. After that was lunch, and while it wasn’t the best, I ate it. I’m really struggling with anxiety today concerning food, and that soup really filled me up. During PDT, I started working on my meal plan for tomorrow, and no matter which way I flip-flopped things, increased portion sizes, and added stuff in, I was short. After 45 minutes, I was STILL short. I’m currently 45 calories short, which is far better than the 250 I was short 20 minutes before that. *sigh* I’m getting frustrated with meal plans. . . . . . . . This is supposed to be EASIER, not harder. 1504. We had some mad Wii tournaments after lunch, and I kicked butt in bowling and tennis, but lost miserably at baseball. I hurt my shoulder in tennis, but the pain quickly passed. Gotta love it. 😀 Alex and I had a session about my meal plans and calorie count. . . . . . . My protein count is great, but my fat count is low. I’ve got to work on that a bit. He tossed the idea out of raising my calories again, and I nixed that one. I’ve also earned the right to go on walks by myself, so I’ll be able to do a bit more exercise. I’m gonna hafta say I’m definitely excited about that, and next week, we’re going to go on a hike. I am stoked! We talked a bit about the Easter outing and rules, as well. Rules there are the same here, but we serve as accountability for each other. It’ll be my first “real world” excursion, and it will be a challenge. Alex says that’s why he’s excited about it. . . . . . . . It will give me a chance to succeed. I’m worried.

1608. We just had an awesome communications group. It was an exercise I’ve done before drawing, but we used blocks. Two people sit back to back with the exact same pile of blocks in front of them. Blocks vary by color, size, and type. One person (the communicator) builds a tower, and then they must describe the tower to the other person (the listener). The listener’s goal is for their tower to appear EXACTLY the way the communicator’s tower does. The hitch is that the listener may say NOTHING. The can’t ask questions, peek, or give feedback in any way. During the first round, the results are often hysterically funny, as there is a COMPLETE communication disconnect. The two towers are often NOTHING alike. So, the exercise is repeated, with the ability for the listener to ask questions and seek clarification. It takes awhile, but the towers eventually match. Then, roles are switched.

This is a frustrating, fun, inspiring, eye-opening activity. It’s a really good exercise to drive home the point that communication without feedback and clarification can be not only frustrating, but detrimental. It helps to drive home the point that if something isn’t understood, advice and feedback HAS to sought because the long-term ramifications can be horrible. I really enjoyed that session.

2104. Last update for the night. The evening was consumed with dinner, PDT, homework, and relaxation. Dinner was grand. . . . . . . . a chicken burrito and fresh fruit. . . . . . . . and was exceptionally anxiety producing. I spent a good bit of PDT pacing, and then had my pacing privileges removed on a couple different counts. Victoria and Brittney played Wii, and I caught up with some online stuff. We then all turned to homework, and I read the rest of the ACT book. I did most of the exercises, but there were several “feeling” based exercises that I didn’t do. Not only was I not comfortable with my own feelings, but neither was I comfortable sharing those feelings with Dr. Dan, for I know he’ll see those exercises. The biggest thing that stuck out to me tonight was the phrase, “Every minute you spend calorie counting, purging, binging, excessively exercising, and having anxiety attacks is a minute you take away from what truly matters to you.” That drove everything home. . . . . . . . that without the eating disorder, I can actually talk about LIFE with the people I love. I can have a different focus, and my life can move forward. Today has been relatively anxiety-ridden, and I’ve still got food left to eat. I’ve managed to put it off this long, but it’s not waiting much longer. Victoria and I are taking our showers (instead of the nightly movie), and that was my last ditch effort at “It’s too late to eat. . . . .” After I eat this snack, I’ll probably head to bed. Busy day tomorrow!








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