Extended Update

1 07 2010

So it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted and I feel obligated to provide an update. Not only do I wish to do so for myself, but I also wish to show that struggles are common throughout the process of recovery.

It’s. . . . . . . it’s been a rough month. Food freak-outs are pretty common. Sometimes I eat too much and sometimes I don’t eat enough. I haven’t been purging but the battle is stronger than ever. The thoughts are pervasive, annoying, and constant. After a quick drop of a few pounds, though, my weight has been stable.

I’m having an easier time ignoring the pervasive voices and ED suggestions, but at the same point in time, some days, I just want to embrace my eating disorder with ever fiber of my being. I want to embrace the endorphin high, the sense of control, and the ability to shut the voices up.

I do, however, know that ED is an angel of darkness. While I know that the voices would shut up briefly, in the long run, they would quickly become clamoring and loud. They would make me miserable and sap every bit of self-confidence that I have. I know that the endorphin rush comes and comes strong. . . . . yet brings a crash of depression like nothing else. I know that the initial sense of control quickly fades as ana would grip my brain and body once again, leading eventually into the loathsome cycle of mia.

It’s not worth it. There are days I long for the freedom to do as my mind drives me to do. . . . . . yet I know the temporary pay-off isn’t worth the long-term struggle and pain. I’m weary fighting now, yet if I take 5 steps back, it’ll only be that much harder to regain my footing.

Until we talk again, my friends, know that the only option is to keep on keeping on. One bite, one food, one meal, one day, at a time.

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Struggling

28 05 2010
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I’ve tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It’s the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.
I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I’m lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don’t see
But it’s one missed step
You’ll slip before you know it
And there doesn’t seem a way to be redeemed
Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

No, I haven’t relapsed. . . . but I feel as if I’m fighting an uphill, losing battle. Someone very close and dear to me, a man who willingly adopted the “father” role throughout most of my childhood, died tragically and unexpectedly. All desire for food was instantly stricken from me. . . . .Eating is difficult, at best, and feels impossible at worst. I bicker and fight about food, something I haven’t done in a long time. I’ve made the promises to fight. . . . . to stay strong. . . . . and I’m trying, but it seems impossible. I feel as if I’ve been driven to my knees in a world that just keeps spinning.

I purged for the first time in roughly two months the other night. I didn’t binge. . . . but I was eating emotionally. I quickly got back on track the next day; I wanted no part of that demon. I was seeking that numb, foggy feeling that purging brings. . . . . that disconnect from everything around you. . . . and it just didn’t happen.

Since then, I have struggled to eat. I met my calorie count yesterday, but with a lot of consternation along the way. The day before, I wasn’t even close. Today, I’m just struck with the absolutely MASSIVE amount of food that 1700 calories is. It doesn’t make sense; it’s too much.

Four days ago, I believed that this was going to be ok. . . . . that food was coming naturally and easily, most of the time, and it was just going to settle into a lulling rhythm. Now, I don’t know. Nothing feels the way it did, and feels more akin to how it used to.





Abolition of Meal Plans

25 05 2010

I wish! 😀

What we (KY and I) have done, though, is built a little more freedom of choice into the system. Everything I eat still has to be documented and weighed/measured out in order to prevent relapse, but I get to choose my own foods on a day to day basis, instead of planning several days in advance. I have to keep a running food diary throughout the day, though, and send it to him every night. If I choose, I may make a meal plan, instead. I might fall back on that if I am going to be having a busy day or something. . . . . I can’t stand making the stupid things. . . . . but they’re a wonderful tool to have. It’s comforting sometimes knowing that I don’t have to deal with the anxiety of picking something in the moment when there’s not much time to choose. Eating disorders are tricky little buggers, and relapse is even sneakier. As such, KY is being extremely careful with what he allows me to do, concerning meal plans, exercise, food choices, or rate of weight loss. Eating disorder relapse isn’t a possibility either of us want to consider, although it does, for now, have to be on the forefront of our minds.

My “running around” has increased, and I’ve got a puppy that is very high-energy. I think I told you guys about her awhile back. Anyways, I’m back to losing weight after being stable between 155 and 158 for about a month and half. I’ve dropped two days in a row, but it’s a healthy rate! A couple of weeks ago, I was at 154.6, and now, I’m at 153.2. It’s healthy, y’all, I swear!





Anxiety

29 04 2010

Yesterday was a far better day than the day before. . . . . . . .  I ate my 1700 calories, not without issue, but I did eat them. I’m going to HAVE to start exercising again. . . . . My anxiety levels concerning food are through the roof when I’m not. I know that the bit of exercise I do probably doesn’t do much, honestly, but it gives ME a peace of mind. I’ve been so incredibly busy the past few days; it hasn’t even been funny!

I’m already exceptionally anxious about food, and it’s only 0530. This isn’t the way I wanted to start my day, to say the least. . . . . .heck, I didn’t want to start it for another two or three hours. I haven’t been sleeping well as of late, and it’s definitely starting to affect me. . . . . food seems to be getting harder by the day.





Minor Relapse

27 04 2010

Today was not a good day. . . . . . . all in all, I spent half the day crying over a bowl of soup, and my final calorie count ended up being 1240. That’s a far cry from the 1700 I’m supposed to be at, although it was the best I could do today.

The speed with which eating disorder thoughts and habits set in again astound me. Had today not quickly been nipped in the bud by KY, I would have fallen faster and further than I think I ever have.

Caused by a number of what Nouveau Vie’s Dr. Dan calls “messy life stuff”, this minor relapse let me very clearly know that each day is a battle, a fight, and must be approached one day at a time, and that I am FAR from clear. I must be ever vigilant, watchful, and prepared.





Meal Planning

26 04 2010

Today has just been one of those really fun frickin’ days. Seriously, it’s been GRAND.

I feel like I’m choking down sawdust. It takes me about a minute to chew, and force myself to swallow, each bite. I am NOT having a good day, food wise. Today is, of course, the day that my calorie count is being upped.

1700 calories. I can barely handle 1500 on a day to day basis, and it’s being upped. It’ll be a challenge. . . . . something new to conquer.

I didn’t have a meal plan done for this morning. . . . . . not that it really would have mattered, since my alarm didn’t go off, and I had no time to think about food, anyways. Thankfully, though, I have these great nutrient shakes to go that have saved my butt more than once. . . . . . . . so breakfast was fine. I scrounged together lunch, and because I’m having such a hard time today, I’ve planned a smoothie for dinner.

The past few days have just been difficult. Flashbacks, dreams, large amounts of change, and those stupid obsessive thoughts that WON’T go away. . . . . . . . . I’m tired, frustrated, and irritable, and I HATE food right now.

But. . . . . . . . what I do know is that this, too, will pass. This is just a stage; one that must be conquered. Ed has caught me at a weak point, and I can feel myself slipping. . . . . . . . but I’m grabbing for any hold that I can.





“Normal” Eating

22 04 2010

So much of treatment revolves around the development of “normal” eating patterns. Well, what is normal?

It’s typically defined as “eating when you’re hungry, stopping when you’re full, eating more than usual sometimes and trusting your body to handle it, and missing a meal and automatically compensating a safe amount.”

Oy vey. I’ve gotten so used to ignoring hunger completely, to allowing that feeling to carry me along to a heady high that I so often don’t notice it, or I mistake it for nausea. I’ve gotten better. I can recognize hunger 9 times out of 10 now. . . . . . . but I still have a habit of ignoring it completely if I’ve met my calorie count for the day.

Stopping when I’m full. Well, I’m bulimic. . . . . . . . full has no meaning for me. My entire life, no matter how much or how long I’ve restricted, I’ve been able to just randomly eat 15-20 pounds of food at once. My body doesn’t recognize “full” until I’m in pain and can barely move. Now, I’m so PSYCHED that hasn’t happened in well over a month. . . . . . Cannot even BEGIN to describe the giddy amazingness when I can go, “I haven’t binged!” Win. My point. Victory. All of those positive words that I most often respond, “But I haven’t done anything” to.

Overeating/indulging. Oh, I’m just fine to indulge. . . . . . . as long as it very neatly fits into my meal plan, and isn’t full of stupid carbohydrates. Which. . . . . . . . isn’t really indulging. Carbs scare me, for two reasons. First, the numbers are SO BIG. A food that I used to eat all the time has “Fat, .5, Protein, 4, Carbs 54”. Oy vey. That is a random, MASSIVE number. A number that is FAR too big for me to stomach. Second, I have no self-control. . . . . . at least, I didn’t. My body doesn’t trust me or like me. My first impulsive is to finish ANYTHING that’s in front of me, and lick the plate, too. My body doesn’t believe that I’m going to feed it again, or allow it to eat. I think that’s where much of my binging came from. . . . . . .  from the intense and constant restriction. I was always scared to eat, because if I ate, I’d eat EVERYTHING.

Well, of course I would. . . . . . . . my body had broke through my self-control and was going to take EVERY advantage of this opportunity, which totally wigged me out and sent me into a purging frenzy, which in turn led back into the eating everything cycle because of the insulin dump. . . . . . . . . and just. . . . . . . yuck. *shakes head* I don’t miss that, at all.

Miss meals, or undereat. When I miss meals, I want nothing to do with the next one. I keep such a close eye on the numbers involved with my food that when I undereat, I automatically go to shortchange myself that, and just a little bit more. . . . . . . . If i’m not extremely careful to eat what I need, and measure and weigh it out, I end up roughly halfing everything. Left to my own devices, I would NEVER meet my calorie count. This one is just not for me. . . . . . . . . well, part of me wants it to be. . . . . . . but it’s not.

When I look over that list, I realize the ground that I have left to cover. . . . . . . . but that doesn’t invalidate the ground that I have covered. I have made progress, and there’s no need to look that far forward. Right now, I just need to concentrate on not purging, eating enough, and staying real with my meal plans.








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