Nevada, Day Seventeen

5 04 2010

0801. It’s been a grand morning. I woke up around 0530, but I didn’t move until 0700. I slept all night, and I slept well. It’s honestly about time. . . . . . I was getting to the point that nothing was really registering, because of how exhausted I was getting. Overnight, we got a good 3 inches of snow, and it is GORGEOUS. I finally got moving, and went off to vitals. Weight, 155, BP 118/70, and Temp, 97.3. All stable. 🙂 Breakfast was a smoothie, but I had to make it with soymilk instead of my normal protein shake base. 😦 Today, we have yoga and art therapy, and I’m not really sure what else.

1050. This has been an awesome morning. Instead of yoga, we took advantage of the warm, yet snowy morning, and went on a walk. The snow glistened like diamonds, the air was crisp and clean, and the time relaxing. Afterwards, since the wind coming in off the mountains was quite cold, we took a break for some hot tea, and then we went straight into art therapy. Today, Victoria is doing her first split drawing, consisting of the darkest place she’s ever been, and the absolute happiest she can imagine. I did a second one, consisting of where I am right now, and where I believe I can go. When I first started this project, I couldn’t even see myself on the recovery side of the page. . . . . . . . I couldn’t see a way to make it over there, although I knew there had to be a way. Today, the appearance of the second part of this project is far different. No longer filled with desolation and hopelessness, there are splashes of color on the “now” side of the page, although, they’re often overshadowed by black and gray. The color shines through. . . . . . . . . . it’s definitely there. . . . . . . . . but there’s a foggy, murky quality to it. On the other side, though, the colors are bright, vibrant, stunning. There’s a small patch of gray, for I just don’t currently see how life can possibly be lived without some kinda fog to it. . . . . . . . . . I’ve never known life not to be “foggy”. The two sides are NOTHING the same, though, and the colors on the “potential” side of the page are colors that I can see happening, for the first time in my life. We’re taking the last half of art therapy to talk about our projects, both the current one, and past ones.

This day feels entirely different from any of the past few. I feel vibrant, connected, and fully in the present. It’s a new day; a new start; a time to make progress. I’m loved, needed, cherished, and not only do I have people fighting for me, but I have the strength and wherewithall, today, to fight for myself. This is my current song addiction, the one that speaks volumes. I might do a post later about why it’s perfect for the current situation.

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I’ve done
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I’ve done
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

For what I’ve done

I’ll start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done

I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

What I’ve done

Forgiving what I’ve done

1155. We’re finished talking about our projects, and we made several startling correlations concerning my concepts of recovery. Without fail, my “now” or “current” or “deep, dark place” projects involve shades of gray, red, and hints of yellow, although this one had far more color. My recovery projects always are bright, vibrant, and involve bright blue, green, yellow, and orange. This is a correlation we just saw today, when all of my projects where laid out side by side. We’re getting ready to head to lunch. 😀

1843. It’s been quite an afternoon, to say the least. Lunch was wonderful, and then, we all headed out for what has become the normal Monday outing, bowling. That was fun, but I got totally and absolutely CREAMED. It was still fun, though. Victoria and I did some painting, and then, caught up with some various important people in our lives. Shortly after, we moved on to dinner, which was far more difficult than it probably needed to be. Since then, we’ve just been chilling, and we’ve now started a movie called “Old Dogs”. I’ve never heard of it, but it has good reviews.

Advertisements




Nevada, Happy Easter

4 04 2010

0702. Happy Easter, everyone! It was a long night, but it’s finally morning, and time to do whatever I want. 😀 We’re allowed to “sleep as late as we want to” today, so I think I’m probably just gonna stay holed up and be all anti-social. I’ve got all of my art work scattered around my room, and it’s taking on a personable look, finally. Victoria and I have the Easter outing. . . . . . . I’m pretty psyched about that. It’ll be amazing.

1013. It’s been a low-key morning. Breakfast was toasty and melty and amazing. . . . . . .. . . . . A hot peanut butter roll-up. Vitals were pretty good. . . . . . . . . Weight 154.5, BP 107/68, and temp 97.4. Since breakfast, I’ve been enjoying a John Grisham book and holding text conversations with half of America. The weather has finally (thankfully!) cleared, and this definitely has the makings of a good day. I had a great phone call that I took while staring at Heavenly (one of the big mountains out here) and watching the avalanches rumble down the mountains. Apparently, they set them off with dynamite so that the skiers don’t do it by accident. 😀 The only thing to do before going out on pass today is to make my meal plan for tomorrow. I believe I’ll probably spend the morning reading my book, sipping tea, and listening to fine music. Happy Easter to me!

2110. The outing today was WONDERFUL. Movies, laughter, girl time, and wonderful food. Absolutely everything was homemade, and it was very relaxed and enjoyable. The next week is supposed to be insanely busy, so I’m excited about that. It’ll be a good week.

The meal tonight went really well, although I guess I didn’t watch everything as closely as I could have. It was really good, though, although a bit difficult. We started Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. . . . . . . . . . . . I’m lovin’ it. 🙂





Nevada, Day Fifteen

3 04 2010

0811. Interesting morning. 😀 Sometime last night, I went and curled up with Victoria. (We’d already talked about it; don’t worry!) I was having an exceptionally difficult time sleeping, and it was the only way I was going to get any sleep, at all. I sleep better when I’m with someone else, or they’re at least in the room. My other choice was to move upstairs, and sleep there, but I figured there’d be a house wide panic when I couldn’t be found in the morning. So, this morning, Julia comes to get me up, and she is not EVEN happy. We went through the normal routine, though, starting with vitals. My weight was 154.9, my BP 115/78 (a good deal higher than it’s been in a REALLY long time), and my temp 97.6. All relatively stable. 🙂

I took a few minutes before starting breakfast in order to start my day on the right foot, and because I was very nauseous. However, I ate breakfast soon after, and had my normal PB smoothie and this morning, I had a big bowl of cereal. I think it’s going to be a bit of a better day than yesterday. . . . . . at least, I really hope it is. I don’t know how many days like yesterday I can handle. 🙂 We’ve got several projects to work on over the course of the weekend, so that’s a good thing. We found some really cute birdhouses (what am I talking about. . . . . . We? *I*) that we’re going to paint. We’ve got a couple painting things to do, and then, I’ve got some hemp work to do. I’ve got a charm from KY that says “Embrace Life” that I’m going to put on a hemp choker. I only take it (and the ring that I wear on my chain, as well) off when I shower. I feel naked without them, but I can’t stand wearing a long chain around my neck. This one is just too long, even though it only reaches my collar bones. I wear it every day, though. I use both objects on there to not only still anxiety, but to ground myself and remind myself why I’m fighting.

I’m excited. 😀 I can tell that my hair is starting to thicken and get a bit more shiny. . . . . . . . . I am STOKED. My hair used to be so thick, I couldn’t wrap my hand around my pony-tail. My fingers wouldn’t close. Now, It’s probably about as big around as my thumb. I’ve lost SO MUCH hair. . . . . . . . . and while it’s still falling out, it’s not nearly as much. It’s also, like I said, picking up a bit of shine. I’m happy. 😀 I know a couple of other people who are gonna be happy about that, too. 😀 You know who you are. *soft, happy grin*

Today, the plans are few and far between. Weekends are very fluid, but we are going on an ice-cream outing today. *elated* It’s gonna be good. 😀 It’s not supposed to be warm today, so we may or may not make it to the park. I really hope we do, though. I need a good long walk.

1235. It’s after lunch. . . . . . . . . I had another burrito. Chicken and bean this time. I’m having a bit more of a difficult time than usual this weekend concerning food, and I attribute that to the almost non-existant sleep I’m getting. After PDT, we’re going on an ice-cream outing, which oughta be a whole lotta fun. I’ve spent the morning being artsy, and working on re-learning the hemp knots, and I’ve started an abstract painting. Right now, it’s a blended mesh of blues and greens, much like a sea scape, but I’m going to be adding a second layer of abstract detail. I hope it looks really cool when it’s finished. 🙂 I also spent the morning talking to various people, some friends, some family, and there were several interesting conversations going on there.

1745. It’s been a relatively low key afternoon. We’ve basically all been in our own little world, sticking to ourselves. It’s gray and dreary outside, and everyone is very contemplative. Victoria and I have been doing art all day, and Brittney has been doing homework. I’ve painted several canvases, and a birdhouse, and I’ve started working on the promotional DVD for Nouveau Vie. It’s been a good bit of fun, although, of course, I once made the huge mistake of not saving my work, and lost a couple hours of it. Today has been “good” in and of it’s own sense. I’ve been relatively disconnected from both my body and emotions, and so, nearly everything has very little effect. We went on an ice cream outing, and that’s the most time any of us has spent together, today. It was a good outing, though. I just had dinner (chicken noodle soup and a pizza roll), and the anxiety is intense. We’re watching “Aladdin”, and it’s actually only the second time in my life that I’ve seen it, so. . . . . . . . . . . . I don’t know what to follow that up with. So what? *grins* In any case. . . . .. . . . . . . . yeah. I don’t know what’s going on for the rest of the night.





Nevada, Day Fourteen

2 04 2010

Happy Good Friday, everyone!

0813. I got started really late today. . . . . . . . Julia actually had to wake me up, which never happens. I’m usually up on my own around 0630. I missed my morning reflection time, which helps me a good bit get my headspace right for the day. . . . . . . I had a rough night last night, but hopefully today will be better. Vitals were good, all around. Weight, back to 155. It’s hung out there for several days, minus yesterday. BP, 114/74, and temp 97.1. My weight has stabilized, for the first time in years. Alex is bringing Righteous down the mountain today, and I am STOKED. Not only is he a big, beautiful dog, but that means I have an excuse to take long walks, and get in a bit of running. Victoria is going to Reno for the day for a doctor’s appointment, so it’ll just be Alex, Righteous, and me for the afternoon. Christina is coming this morning for yoga and art therapy. Breakfast was a bit rough. . . . . . . . . . It was really big, which means I’m really full. What’s cool, though, is that I don’t even have the thought that purging is an option, merely that I’m very, very anxious. I do know, though, that the anxiety will fade, and that it’s impossible for it to stick around forever.

1228. Lunch is over. . . . . . . . . bean burrito. We did yoga and art therapy this morning. For the project, we painted the paper mache’ masks that we’ve been building all week. Mine is painted solid black with shaman type tattoos in bright red lines all across the face. . . . . . . . . . as if ED represents a darker side of life, or is an angel of the dark. It often appears to be a saving grace, but in all reality, it never is.

1550. Alex and I just got back from Michael’s, and we got some really good deals. We found some cool projects to do this weekend and picked up some art supplies we needed around the house. Victoria is still out on pass, and I’m just hanging out upstairs. This is the first day thus far that I haven’t taken ANY pictures. . . . . . . . .

1947. I just finished a really good session with Dr. Dan. He called me on all of my defensive mechanisms. He said, “Now, tell me if I’m wrong, but as I see it, you are the QUEEN of intellectualism. You use it to keep your feelings, and people, at a distance, along with your dry humor, bordering on sarcasm.” Well, he’s not wrong, and he was very good to pin-point it. We talked about my PTSD startle reflex, and about my need to talk about my feelings, and turn to people here, as opposed to pushing those feelings and reactions back down. We covered a good bit of the workbook, and all in all, it was a good session. I’ve still got food to eat. . . . . . . . . . 3 cups of popcorn. . . . . . . . . . and there’s no telling when I’ll get to sleep tonight. The wind is blowing like crazy. I swear, I’m sleeping somewhere else tonight. 😀 We will more than likely play Wii for the rest of the night, or track down a good movie.





Nevada, Day Nine

28 03 2010

0708. I slept like a rock, am warm, cozy, and settled. I don’t want to get out of bed, and I definitely don’t want to eat breakfast. . . . or anything, for that matter. I feel nauseous, and I’m back to my observation mode. I came to life for a few minutes last night. . . . . . and now, I’m not.

0801. Vitals and breakfast are over. Vitals sucked. I’ve gained a pound and a half since YESTERDAY. SERIOUSLY, how does that even HAPPEN!?!?!?!? I should be slowly, yet steadily, loosing on 1,200 calories . . . . I’m at 154.5. That does NOT MAKE SENSE. My blood pressure was fine; My temp was 97.7. Breakfast was. . . . . . . . difficult. I had an omelet with goat cheese, ground turkey, and beans. . . . . . . I’m full, uncomfortably so. . . . . . . I tried to tell Julia I wasn’t hungry, but I “had to eat”. So I did, along with my morning cup of tea. All that’s running through my head is a triggering comment I heard yesterday, and it’s more than a little difficult. Julia left during breakfast for a couple seconds to run to the restroom, and my all-consuming thought was to get rid of the food left in my bowl. Not only am I gaining weight; I’m incredibly ED triggered right now. I didn’t do it. . . . . . . but I really wanted to.

Today, I will finish Stripe Overload, and I’m working on lining up a job for my return. I can’t believe I’ve been here NINE days. It seems that I got here yesterday, yet time also seems to stretch infinitely. Things move so quickly, and there is a constant flow of people such that everything feels upbeat and energetic.


1217. I am FINALLY finished with Stripe Overload! This center, around the words, is a dark, murky gray, as if one is buried in darkness and desolation, but the edges of the letters all touch bright color. . . . . . . if only one will fight, color is close by. Freedom is Always Worth Fighting For. The entire time I was painting, Brittney and I were watching Eragon. It’s time for lunch. . . . . . . I’m having Mac and Cheese. My calorie count has been upped to 1,500, even though I’m steadily gaining weight. They tell me that the trick now is to eat MORE food, in order to convince my body I’m not going to starve it again. They tell me that I’ll begin loosing weight as soon as my body stops latching on to absolutely everything that I put in it. I logically know that eating MORE will help, but right now, I just want to totally freak out about it. After lunch, I’m going to clean up my work area, finish PDT, and hopefully go on a walk.


1555. I have Stripe Overload hanging on the wall in my room. . . . . . . . It took me less than a week to do, but it felt like, for a few days, that every waking moment was going into painting. Honestly, I’m glad I’m finished with this project, but now, I’m seeking out another one. This was a good one, one that I poured myself into, and one that I’m proud of. I folded my laundry, picked up my room, and grabbed a couple of quick pictures. *grins* Now, you guys get to see the final product. 🙂

2034. It’s been a wonderful night. I ate dinner early, and Brittney ended up staying late. Some wires got crossed on the admin side, and Allison, Alex’s wife, came down the mountain to stand-in for awhile. We headed to Carson City, to Trader Joe’s. It’s an organic health food store that has VERY reasonable prices, and some AMAZING in-house recipes. The feel is very small and homey, and it smells AMAZING. I tried a local specialty called a PB&J Bar, and I’m ADDICTED. I WILL be bringing a couple of these back with me. It was. . . . . . amazing. The texture and taste just blended, and the “special” part of the recipe was POTATO CHIPS. Yes, you heard right. POTATO CHIPS. With chocolate, PB, and raspberry jam. It was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever eaten, and I’m sure I’ll be eating more of them. I also got some tortilla chips with an identity crisis. I’m not kidding; it said so, right on the bag! (They’re a mixture of corn, wheat, and potato flower.) I got some homey touches for my room, including a cute little plant. I don’t know what it is, but I like it. 🙂 I’m signing off for the night, but I just wanted to let y’all know that I appreciate your support!





Nevada, Day Eight

27 03 2010

0801. Vitals are over, and so is breakfast. I’m gaining weight. . . . . . . I’m 153 today. Last Sunday, I was 151. I have NO IDEA how I can physically POSSIBLY be gaining weight on 1,200 calories a day, but somehow, someway, I am. It shouldn’t be physically possible. I don’t see where I’m gaining weight. . . . . I don’t feel like I’m gaining weight. . . . My clothes don’t say I’m gaining weight . . . . but numbers don’t lie. I figure it’s just taking time for my system to get used to all of this new food. My blood pressure was 107/68, and my temp 97.9. We actually turned the temperature in the house up, and it’s toasty warm this morning.

Breakfast was hearty and filling. . . . . . ham, egg, and cheese sandwich, toasted, with a bowl of oatmeal. *somewhat queasy* I think I’m going to be full the rest of my natural life. I have so much that I need to be doing. I need to be watching and writing a report on “Dying to be Thin”, painting Stripe Overload, and working through The Anorexia Workbook. Sounds like fun, no? Brittney and I are packing a picnic lunch and going to the park today . . . . There are several beautiful ones close by. My camera is THOROUGHLY unhappy with me, and has determined it will only turn on once a day, and that once a day will NEVER be when I want it to. In any case, yeah, plenty to keep me busy.

The past week has been a relatively good one. The biggest change, I’m going to have to say, has been in how long my anxiety lasts after meals. I’ve also warmed up to the idea of merely accepting thoughts and not acting on them.

1121. This morning, I have done a whole lot of. . . . . . . . .nothing. Well, that’s not exactly true. I have done enough Photoshop to frustrate a saint. No matter how I try to make it come out, it’s just not matching the picture in my head. Glorious. By the end of the day, though, I WILL have an awesomely amazing blog header. Until then, though, my blog can just be. . . . . . . ugh. Ugh. Lunch is in a bit, and then, the park. I will paint today, for real (not just in Photoshop), and I’m going to do laundry. What a glorious Saturday.

1233. I just ate lunch, which was a broiled tortilla with peanut butter. I got to cut out a bunch of not-so-fun stuff out of my meal plan, and we’re going for ice cream in order to make up the difference. How cool is that? I burnt my hand pretty nastily this morning. . . . . . I’d broiled my breakfast sandwich, and I pulled the plate out, and it took me forever to realize how hot it was. I honestly didn’t feel it, or really know until I looked down at my hand. Yeah, I’m feeling it now, though.

I still haven’t worked on any of my projects. I’m reading The Silence of the Lambs, and greatly enjoying it. Soon, though, it’s ice cream and park, and I will enjoy that more.

1504. We just got back from the park, and from our ice cream outing. It was awesomely fun. I got to cut out parts of lunch and dinner, and replace it with ice cream, which is actually very high in protein. 😀 My calorie count ended up lower than before, my fat content lower, and my protein higher. How cool is that??????

The temperature was amazing, the sky clear, and the park refreshing. Now, though, I’m just gonna lay down and take a nap. . . . . I’m tired.

1817. Dinner is long over; I ate around 1630. I had a turkey and cheese roll-up. . . . quite yummy. I’m still reading The Silence of the Lambs, although right now, I’m doing the homework Alex gave me, which is to watch Dying to be Thin and write up a report on it. Karen is the staff member who’s here right now; I’m working in my room so that she doesn’t have to sit through this documentary. I need to work on Stripe Overload, but I don’t know that it’s going to happen tonight. It might; it might not.

1953. I’m signing off for the night. I’m watched Dying to be Thin, and I’ve posted the paper that I turned in to Alex.





Nevada, Day Five

24 03 2010

0659. I slept fitfully last night. I don’t think I moved until  0100, but then, I couldn’t stay asleep. I had nightmare, after nightmare, after nightmare. I finally decided to move and give up trying around 0630. It really bites, too, because Julia was going to let me sleep in today, because of how tired I was last night.

Today, I have yoga, art therapy, and a meeting with Alex. Other than that, I’m not sure about today. I have a TON of stuff to be working on. . . . . . . . so I’m sure that will keep me quite occupied! I’ve got my Stripe Overload (which is what I’ve decided to call it) project, the homework Dr. Dan left me with, and I’ll be starting a new project today. It’s about time to get up, get moving, and get going! Vitals, of course, and then breakfast. I’m supposed to have 3 Tbsp of peanut butter with breakfast. . . . . . . and I’m having a REALLY hard time justifying 300 calories in 3 tablespoons. That is FAR too condensed. . . . . . . it’s not ok. I don’t know what I was thinking during meal planning.

I’m loosing weight. I can feel it. My hip bones are making a slight appearance again, and my clothes are fitting bigger. I know why it’s happening; I’m not binging. Everytime I stop binging, I start to loose weight, and quickly. I can’t believe I’m loosely weight eating 2-3 times what I usually do, but it’s happening. The oddest thing? I can FEEL the weight loss. . . . . . Feel the tips of my hipbones, feel my ribs, and notice my pants settling lower around my hips, but I still can’t frickin’ SEE it. Why do I view m y body through a distorted mirror, and what made it happen? I know, I know. . . . . . . dsymorphia. . . . . but WHY? How the HECK does this disease get ahold of my eyes so horribly?

Anyway. . . . . . . time to get this day started.
0746. I ate (drank) breakfast, and it was SO GOOD. Like. . . . . . . absolutely AMAZING! It was so perfectly balanced with the taste and the texture, and just. . . . . YUM. I’d never made a PB smoothie before, but daggone, I think I’ll be having more of those! I’m in PDT now, and working on the homework that Dr. Dan gave me. I have to do several ED assessments, and find a person close to me, who knows me well, to send a couple assessments to, as well. He also gave me some reading material, and told me to begin working through The Anorexia Workbook. That book is centered on Acceptance/Commitment Therapy, which basically says that bad thoughts will ALWAYS come, but we must learn to accept them, and commit to what we know is right. I’ll get a shower after PDT is over, and then, I believe we have yoga. 😀
1219. Whoa, it’s been a jam-packed morning! Christina came, and we did do yoga. I’ve never done breathing-focused yoga. . . . . . . I’ve always used yoga to improve flexibility, not really to slow and focus on breathing. So, my flexibility was great, but I definitely had more to learn. We moved directly into art therapy after that. Christina is, like everyone here, very nice, understanding, and fun. We do Yoga here because it improves the mind-body connection, and it allows one to observe their body without judgement. We moved directly into art therapy. After connecting with our body during Yoga, art therapy would allow us to connect with our emotions without judging those.

Christina asked me to draw a picture of the deepest, darkest place I’d been, and where I wanted to end up. I just started in, and ended up with this person standing in the midst of a thunderstorm, being struck by lightening, lashing rain, etc etc etc, in a puddle of blood……. since it seems that ED leeches one’s lifeblood. The person was also covered in cuts, since at my darkest ED place, I was self-injuring the heaviest, and ED cuts to the bone. Then, on the other half of the paper, I drew a meadow with a brightly shining sun, bright green grass, bright blue sky, and a clear, straight path fading into the background. There were dark, menacing mountains in the background, but the path through them was clear. They’re there, but it’s an easy journey through them.

After art therapy, I made lunch. I had whole-wheat rotini, marina sauce, and toast. I’m full, but it was really good. I don’t have much to do this afternoon except for finishing up my project and doing all of Dr. Dan’s homework. He wanted me to complete some ED assessments (which I’m finished with already) and start working through the ACT book. Maggie is here now, and she’ll be here until 10. It’s gonna be grand. 🙂 We’re going to see a movie, but I don’t think we’ve decided on which one, yet.
1419. I’ve spent the afternoon sitting on the deck, absorbing the warm sun bearing down, the sight of the mountains in the distance, and the beautiful sounds of the birds singing their songs. It’s a clear sign that spring is here. Everything is a little drab and dull with the scenery right now, but there is happiness and warmth all around, no matter how it appears. The colors in the evergreens are bright, and the mountains stand tall, strong, and proud. They’re still covered in snow, and they’re sending a gentle breeze down to gently flow through the valley. Far from the windstorms that can happen out here, this is very pleasant and calming. I’ve been working through my Anorexia Workbook. There are some AMAZING concepts and lessons in here (even as little as I am into it. . . . . . . I’m only in chapter 5. . . . .) that I would have NEVER thought of. This book uses ACT (Acceptance/Committment Therapy) in order to provide an entirely new way of thinking to recovering anorexics. It offers an example of what anorexia can be like: Two teams, anorexia on the left, and oneself on the right, get up every morning and immediately begin a daily tug-o-war. Anorexia is shouting “You’re fat! You need to starve! You’re disgusting! You must be in control!” and the voice of logic is shouting, “I need to eat more! I need to be healthy! I don’t look THAT bad!” The constantly struggle and strain wears EVERYONE out, and it always ends up with Ana winning, because she’s so much stronger than self.  However, what if, one morning, the SELF team got up, picked up the rope, let Ana start pulling, and then DROPPED THE ROPE. Ana could shout and rage and yell, but there was no one pulling back! There was no struggle.

The thoughts that Ana was providing were ALLOWED to be there. They’re going to be there anyways, according to this book, and the harder you try NOT to think them, the more they’re going to occur. The task, though, is to learn to ACCEPT them, but not ACT on them. Through several scientific studies, the authors of this book have discovered that the confidence to do something will never come until you actually DO it. Change your behavior, and you’ll change the thoughts.
1748. Outside of dinner, I’ve been painting and playing games with Karen. She’s the staff member that I went on a walk through the cemetery with. There’s a whole lot of local history in that cemetery, and some big Nevada names. I’ve really been painting for most of that time, and talking, but spent about 15 minutes playing a games called “Legs”. It’s a word game that is pretty fun. . . . .  Each person alternates picking a letter, and you have two minutes to write down every thing that comes to mind that has legs that begins with that letter. It’s a fun, out-of-the-box thinking game. If each person wrote it down, then you cross it off the list. Unique ones get points. Person with the most points wins!

Dinner was salmon and green beans. . . . . .  . I had a major freak-out because two nutritional sources varied on the amount of salmon equaling what amount of calories. I flat refused to eat it unless Alex let me take the SMALLEST amount and list it for the highest calorie listing, just to be safe. In the process of cooking the salmon, the grill shut on my on hand. . . . . I didn’t feel the burn, but I can see it. It’s very minor, but it was startling nonetheless.

Now, Maggie and I are trying to see what’s showing, movie-wise, in town tonight. We’d both like to get out of the house for awhile. 🙂 I’m continuing to paint stripes, and will probably be doing so until the day I die.
2139. I have the finals of my project laid out, and it should be finished with about 5 more hours of work . . . . . . NO I’m not exaggerating. Maggie and I went to Carson City to see Bounty Hunter, and while it was VERY funny, the end was a bit unsatisfying. I won’t give any of the details away, but I’d recommend it for a good laugh, which anyone can use. We also saw the previews for a movie we’ve already set up a date for, and it’s called Date Night. It looks hysterically funny, and it actually premiers on April 20th.

I’m on the edge of an anxiety attack. I can feel the feeling building in my belly, in my gut, through my body. . . . . . . . All I can think about is candy, pizza, crackers, chips, cereal, bread. . . . . . anything and everything. . . . . . . That whole “thinking but not acting” thing? Yeah. . . . . . . . . didn’t act, but now it’s consuming me. I had the chance to get a bunch of candy and whatnot, but forced myself to move on. . . .  .

The drive to binge is overpowering right now.

2302. The wind is incredibly unsettling. The anxiety is starting to slip a bit, which is welcome. I might actually get some sleep after all. The drive is. . . . . . . . well, it’s not getting any less; we’ll just put it that way. I know that if I can get some sleep, the morning will be SO much better. I often get bingy when I’m sleep deprived, and I most definitely am. I’m not going to move; I’m just going to turn over and go to sleep. The new staff member, Selina, is having a bit of a rough night. She’s very nervous about the size of the house, it being her first night, and feeling a bit out of her element. I told her it would come quickly, and that it wasn’t particularly hard. I’ll be the first to admit, though, that the wind probably isn’t doing ANYTHING to ease her fears. I’ve heard it gets SO MUCH worse, but right now, it sounds as if it’s trying to shake the house apart.








%d bloggers like this: