Stuck In the Middle

12 08 2010

I’m in a weird place. A friend of mine once said, “Recovery, for me, was eating the way I knew I should and trying to ignore all the ED thoughts.”

I didn’t understand that for the longest time. Even as recent as a couple of months ago, I didn’t understand that. But . . . . I do now. I’m stuck in the middle, somewhere in a vague, hazy form of recovery. I was doing really, really well for awhile. I was eating more because I was exercising and then I did something really stupid. I purged for the first time in months. Anxiety gripped my mind like it hasn’t since earlier this year and I buckled under the pressure.

I’ve returned to eating 1700 calories a day and scraping by. However, I’m also loosing weight. I didn’t know I was losing weight until a good friend of mine pointed it out because she was concerned. I asked for confirmation from a member of my treatment team and was quite astounded to find that not only was I losing, I’d lost a bit of a chunk of weight.

Since I’d basically maintained my weight for months on 1700 cal, the relatively rapid weight loss points to the fact that I’m *somehow* not eating as much as I think I am, which is really frustrating.

I have an incessant drive to restrict and to purge. I have fleeting thoughts that lying about my intake is acceptable and I struggle to *make* myself eat.

I’m frustrated with this entire process. Sometimes it’s SO EASY but when it’s hard, it’s REALLY hard.

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