No More Secrets

16 10 2010

As I look over this past posts, it seems as if there’s always a “starting again.” I’ve yet to see a “I just ate a huge meal that I greatly enjoyed and it was wonderful. The end.”

I’m looking forward to that day. Yesterday, I was asked about my ED and how I was doing. I’d been doing horrible. I’d fallen fast and far. My calorie count had dwindled to basically non-existent. I was sporadically purging. I was lying about my intake and activities.

I’m glad that’s all out in the open. It’s almost as if once that barrier between ED and the world is broken, it’s ok to just “be” sick. There is no shame, no embarrassment and no fear. It’s ok that I’m struggling. It’s ok that I’m having a hard time. What’s not ok is not eating or purging and not telling anyone. Well, it’s not really ok, period. Regardless, it feels wonderful to have the OPTION of telling someone, a luxury that ED strips from me quickly and completely.

ED has been raging ever since I finally told. It’s been really bad, a war zone in my own head. However, I’ve had a good day and I foresee many, many, many more to come. So, today, I make an affirmation:

NO MORE SECRETS. When the secrets come, recovery starts to slip. That can’t happen again. I won’t allow it to happen again.

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Extended Update

1 07 2010

So it’s been a really long time since I’ve posted and I feel obligated to provide an update. Not only do I wish to do so for myself, but I also wish to show that struggles are common throughout the process of recovery.

It’s. . . . . . . it’s been a rough month. Food freak-outs are pretty common. Sometimes I eat too much and sometimes I don’t eat enough. I haven’t been purging but the battle is stronger than ever. The thoughts are pervasive, annoying, and constant. After a quick drop of a few pounds, though, my weight has been stable.

I’m having an easier time ignoring the pervasive voices and ED suggestions, but at the same point in time, some days, I just want to embrace my eating disorder with ever fiber of my being. I want to embrace the endorphin high, the sense of control, and the ability to shut the voices up.

I do, however, know that ED is an angel of darkness. While I know that the voices would shut up briefly, in the long run, they would quickly become clamoring and loud. They would make me miserable and sap every bit of self-confidence that I have. I know that the endorphin rush comes and comes strong. . . . . yet brings a crash of depression like nothing else. I know that the initial sense of control quickly fades as ana would grip my brain and body once again, leading eventually into the loathsome cycle of mia.

It’s not worth it. There are days I long for the freedom to do as my mind drives me to do. . . . . . yet I know the temporary pay-off isn’t worth the long-term struggle and pain. I’m weary fighting now, yet if I take 5 steps back, it’ll only be that much harder to regain my footing.

Until we talk again, my friends, know that the only option is to keep on keeping on. One bite, one food, one meal, one day, at a time.





Abolition of Meal Plans

25 05 2010

I wish! 😀

What we (KY and I) have done, though, is built a little more freedom of choice into the system. Everything I eat still has to be documented and weighed/measured out in order to prevent relapse, but I get to choose my own foods on a day to day basis, instead of planning several days in advance. I have to keep a running food diary throughout the day, though, and send it to him every night. If I choose, I may make a meal plan, instead. I might fall back on that if I am going to be having a busy day or something. . . . . I can’t stand making the stupid things. . . . . but they’re a wonderful tool to have. It’s comforting sometimes knowing that I don’t have to deal with the anxiety of picking something in the moment when there’s not much time to choose. Eating disorders are tricky little buggers, and relapse is even sneakier. As such, KY is being extremely careful with what he allows me to do, concerning meal plans, exercise, food choices, or rate of weight loss. Eating disorder relapse isn’t a possibility either of us want to consider, although it does, for now, have to be on the forefront of our minds.

My “running around” has increased, and I’ve got a puppy that is very high-energy. I think I told you guys about her awhile back. Anyways, I’m back to losing weight after being stable between 155 and 158 for about a month and half. I’ve dropped two days in a row, but it’s a healthy rate! A couple of weeks ago, I was at 154.6, and now, I’m at 153.2. It’s healthy, y’all, I swear!





The Snack Bowl

10 05 2010

So I finally did something today that I’ve been thinking about doing for awhile. I put together a “snack bowl” full of a variety of yummies. Big deal, you may say. . . . . why does that matter? Well, they’re all in individual zip lock baggies, weighed out to the correct portion size with calories, fat, and protein counts on the bag to make meal planning easy. I’ve noticed food is far easier when I don’t have to think about it. 😀 The calories range from 90 to 300, and the snacks from beef jerky, to nuts, to cereal, to pretzels, to trail mix, to popcorn. It’s quite grand, if I must say so myself. Having a readily available bank of pre-measured food makes everything easier in the moment, especially if I’m just not “feeling like it”.

I have my own version of animal therapy here in the form of a older puppy (probably under a year old) that I am pouring my heart and soul into. She brings a ton of joy into my life with her wriggly, happy, bouncy zest for life and learning. I’m currently seeking a home for her; she was a rescue. Any takers?





Recovery Road

6 05 2010

I’m realizing more than ever that this is a long, hard road. I was eating lunch today, standing in the kitchen. Nouveau Vie definitely taught me that it’s easy to eat when you’re DOING something besides just eating. For most people, that’s a bad thing. . . . . they tend to eat whole bags of chips and whatnot. . . . .  but for me, it helps me eat everything I’m supposed to. I was standing there, leaning against the counter, slowly eating a bowl of soup, when a thought crossed my mind.

I was eating. Not only was I eating, but I wasn’t thinking about every bite. For this meal, for this snatch of time, food wasn’t everything.

I was just like. . . . . whoa. That’s not to say that the past few days haven’t been difficult, at all, for they have. . . . but I’m noticing the little changes starting to come about.

I don’t have an overwhelming need to bolt and purge, although I do look forward to the day that I don’t immediately think about puking after I eat. Seriously, that gets old. I don’t understand how normal people just eat and then go about their day. . . . but I hope to join those ranks some day.

I don’t look forward to meals, but I don’t dread them. It’s not like my day is centered around these 3-5 times a day when I have to gag my way through something and feel like I’m choking down sawdust. It’s just food; it’s ok.

My hair isn’t falling out as much. It’s still everywhere; don’t get me wrong. . . . but it doesn’t fall out by the handfuls. It’s also starting to thicken up a bit.

Being dizzy is ODD. It’s something that catches my attention, not a normal state of being. It’s not something that I automatically compensate for when I stand. . . . . if I’m dizzy now, it’s noticeable.

Eating is something that just has to happen. No matter what is really going on, it’s starting to settle in that eating is just something that has to happen. I still forget to eat sometimes, or I feel like I’d rather eat glass than food, but it’s just a normal part of my day.

I’m going to do a post soon on the foods and tools that have helped me the must thus far.





Anxiety

29 04 2010

Yesterday was a far better day than the day before. . . . . . . .  I ate my 1700 calories, not without issue, but I did eat them. I’m going to HAVE to start exercising again. . . . . My anxiety levels concerning food are through the roof when I’m not. I know that the bit of exercise I do probably doesn’t do much, honestly, but it gives ME a peace of mind. I’ve been so incredibly busy the past few days; it hasn’t even been funny!

I’m already exceptionally anxious about food, and it’s only 0530. This isn’t the way I wanted to start my day, to say the least. . . . . .heck, I didn’t want to start it for another two or three hours. I haven’t been sleeping well as of late, and it’s definitely starting to affect me. . . . . food seems to be getting harder by the day.





Minor Relapse

27 04 2010

Today was not a good day. . . . . . . all in all, I spent half the day crying over a bowl of soup, and my final calorie count ended up being 1240. That’s a far cry from the 1700 I’m supposed to be at, although it was the best I could do today.

The speed with which eating disorder thoughts and habits set in again astound me. Had today not quickly been nipped in the bud by KY, I would have fallen faster and further than I think I ever have.

Caused by a number of what Nouveau Vie’s Dr. Dan calls “messy life stuff”, this minor relapse let me very clearly know that each day is a battle, a fight, and must be approached one day at a time, and that I am FAR from clear. I must be ever vigilant, watchful, and prepared.








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