Abolition of Meal Plans

25 05 2010

I wish! 😀

What we (KY and I) have done, though, is built a little more freedom of choice into the system. Everything I eat still has to be documented and weighed/measured out in order to prevent relapse, but I get to choose my own foods on a day to day basis, instead of planning several days in advance. I have to keep a running food diary throughout the day, though, and send it to him every night. If I choose, I may make a meal plan, instead. I might fall back on that if I am going to be having a busy day or something. . . . . I can’t stand making the stupid things. . . . . but they’re a wonderful tool to have. It’s comforting sometimes knowing that I don’t have to deal with the anxiety of picking something in the moment when there’s not much time to choose. Eating disorders are tricky little buggers, and relapse is even sneakier. As such, KY is being extremely careful with what he allows me to do, concerning meal plans, exercise, food choices, or rate of weight loss. Eating disorder relapse isn’t a possibility either of us want to consider, although it does, for now, have to be on the forefront of our minds.

My “running around” has increased, and I’ve got a puppy that is very high-energy. I think I told you guys about her awhile back. Anyways, I’m back to losing weight after being stable between 155 and 158 for about a month and half. I’ve dropped two days in a row, but it’s a healthy rate! A couple of weeks ago, I was at 154.6, and now, I’m at 153.2. It’s healthy, y’all, I swear!

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Treatment Goals

21 04 2010

I found a resource today that said the main goal of treatment of bulimia is to “cut down or even eliminate the binge eating and purging.”

It’s well known throughout the treatment community that the establishment of a consistent, steady, scheduled amount of daily calories is crucial in both the treatment of bulimia and anorexia.

I’m proud to say that I haven’t binged since March 5th, 2010. That’s well over a month, and the longest time I’ve gone since October 2008. I have deviated from my meal plan a couple of times and have eaten over my current daily calorie count, but it wasn’t an unhealthy amount, excessive, or mi even emotionally motivated.

My daily calorie count is 1500, and I’m struggling to continue to meet it. The first place my brain goes when I look at my meal plan first thing of a morning is, “What can I cut out? What can I halve? What can I replace?”

I force myself to follow the meal plan, but it’s difficult, especially because my weight is relatively stable right now. I’m walking 3-5 miles a day, and you’d figure that’d help, no?

I know the problem is likely that I’m not quite eating ENOUGH, and so my body is clinging to what I’m giving it. According to calorie calculators, I should be eating roughly 2100-2200 calories a day, and that’s if I put in “light physical activity” and “slow metabolism”. However, I can’t see myself consistently eating more. . . . . . I’m having a time and a half now.

My weight is stable, so I can’t really complain. . . . . . .  at least I’m not gaining weight, which was one of my biggest fears when it came to recovery. I’m border-line overweight according to BMI charts; I didn’t, and don’t, have the room to gain weight.

I’ve got a horrible headache today that I’m trying to get rid of. . . . . . thus far, it’s not going well. 😦





Getting Real

8 04 2010

I thought the real world was yesterday. . . . . . . . Yesterday, I was still in a fog.

Today is when everything has hit. Today is when the real anger and frustration showed up, and when I began to alternately withdraw and lash-out at those closest to me. Today is when the thoughts hit hard and heavy that cutting this, or cutting that, or substituting this, weren’t really an issue, and while we’re at it, purging doesn’t hurt, either. Those thoughts only made me more sullen, as I didn’t particularly want to deal with them.

I’m proud to say that not only did I eat my full 1500 calories, but I kept them all. I just got back from a 3 mile walk, and while I’m hungry, I can’t say I’m enthused, in the slightest, about eating anything. I’ve met 1500……. that’s all I need to do, right?

I have this brick wall there that says going over just isn’t needed. . . . . . . . . . . . period. I’m also being asked to drastically cut back on my water intake. On a normal day, I can easily drink 4-5 liters of water, and not think twice. (And, I’m not up all night running to the bathroom! My body is actually quite used to that amount of water.) When I was binging, I used it to make purging easier. When I wasn’t eating, I used it to keep my full. When I was just eating and purging, I knew it slowed digestion. Now, I’m left with none of the active eating disorder habits, but the same water habit. . . . . . . . . that I’m being forced to address head-on.

And the walk continues. 🙂





Series of Unfortunate Events

7 04 2010

1316. Yes, you may laugh at my title. 🙂 Seriously, though, due to a series of unexpected, unfortunate, and rather dramatic events, I am back at home. To be quite honest, I wasn’t ready to be back in the “real world”. My habits and new-found thought patterns were beginning to solidify slightly, and my comfort level steadily increasing. However, be that as it may, I’m now facing the scary world of recovery with just my mentor, KY, and myself.

Yesterday was rough, foodwise. Even though I felt sick as a dog, I managed to choke down the calories I needed for the day, and keep them all.

Today, things have been a good bit more structured. My mentor, KY, has stepped up to the plate, and is implementing the same plan that Nouveau Vie used. I’ve been grocery shopping; I have meal plans finished up until Friday, and I have a sparkling new digital kitchen scale and a set of measuring “things”. (Spoons, cups, whatevers). 😀

It’s been an odd transition. Since I’m back in my old environment, my old thoughts are stronger than ever. When I went shopping for myself, every where I turned was a lower calorie version of this, or a reduced fat version of that, even though I know that I often need to full calorie version in order to meet my caloric needs for the day. However, being presented with the option to cut calories here, and cut them there made me want to do it SOOOOOOOOO bad. If it’s so readily available, why not? I could follow the exact same meal plan, eating the exact same amount, and end up around 1100 or 1200 calories instead of my agreed upon amount.

However, I didn’t. I stuck to what I knew I needed. got some extras to have around, and got some staples, since the house was quite barren upon return.

My dog was incredibly psyched to see me, and I her. She’s a pit bull, and is the SWEETEST little girl (and she is quite small!). I love her to pieces. We’ve been spending the day running errands, and we’re going to have a house-cleaning party soon. Sounds like fun, no????? *grins* I’ve yet to unpack and try to get settled in. . . . . . . . I’m still shell-shocked from yesterday, and the speed with which everything happened.

In any case, I’m still the same fighter that I was then, and I’ll make it just as far.





Nevada, Day Eighteen

6 04 2010

0741. New day, new start. Vitals are over. . . . . . . . 154.5. BP 107/70, and temp 97.3. Breakfast was a banana/PB smoothie. Today, I know Dr. Dan comes, but beyond that, I’m not sure what’s going on.





Nevada, Day Seventeen

5 04 2010

0801. It’s been a grand morning. I woke up around 0530, but I didn’t move until 0700. I slept all night, and I slept well. It’s honestly about time. . . . . . I was getting to the point that nothing was really registering, because of how exhausted I was getting. Overnight, we got a good 3 inches of snow, and it is GORGEOUS. I finally got moving, and went off to vitals. Weight, 155, BP 118/70, and Temp, 97.3. All stable. 🙂 Breakfast was a smoothie, but I had to make it with soymilk instead of my normal protein shake base. 😦 Today, we have yoga and art therapy, and I’m not really sure what else.

1050. This has been an awesome morning. Instead of yoga, we took advantage of the warm, yet snowy morning, and went on a walk. The snow glistened like diamonds, the air was crisp and clean, and the time relaxing. Afterwards, since the wind coming in off the mountains was quite cold, we took a break for some hot tea, and then we went straight into art therapy. Today, Victoria is doing her first split drawing, consisting of the darkest place she’s ever been, and the absolute happiest she can imagine. I did a second one, consisting of where I am right now, and where I believe I can go. When I first started this project, I couldn’t even see myself on the recovery side of the page. . . . . . . . I couldn’t see a way to make it over there, although I knew there had to be a way. Today, the appearance of the second part of this project is far different. No longer filled with desolation and hopelessness, there are splashes of color on the “now” side of the page, although, they’re often overshadowed by black and gray. The color shines through. . . . . . . . . . it’s definitely there. . . . . . . . . but there’s a foggy, murky quality to it. On the other side, though, the colors are bright, vibrant, stunning. There’s a small patch of gray, for I just don’t currently see how life can possibly be lived without some kinda fog to it. . . . . . . . . . I’ve never known life not to be “foggy”. The two sides are NOTHING the same, though, and the colors on the “potential” side of the page are colors that I can see happening, for the first time in my life. We’re taking the last half of art therapy to talk about our projects, both the current one, and past ones.

This day feels entirely different from any of the past few. I feel vibrant, connected, and fully in the present. It’s a new day; a new start; a time to make progress. I’m loved, needed, cherished, and not only do I have people fighting for me, but I have the strength and wherewithall, today, to fight for myself. This is my current song addiction, the one that speaks volumes. I might do a post later about why it’s perfect for the current situation.

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I’ve done
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I’ve done
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

For what I’ve done

I’ll start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done

I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

What I’ve done

Forgiving what I’ve done

1155. We’re finished talking about our projects, and we made several startling correlations concerning my concepts of recovery. Without fail, my “now” or “current” or “deep, dark place” projects involve shades of gray, red, and hints of yellow, although this one had far more color. My recovery projects always are bright, vibrant, and involve bright blue, green, yellow, and orange. This is a correlation we just saw today, when all of my projects where laid out side by side. We’re getting ready to head to lunch. 😀

1843. It’s been quite an afternoon, to say the least. Lunch was wonderful, and then, we all headed out for what has become the normal Monday outing, bowling. That was fun, but I got totally and absolutely CREAMED. It was still fun, though. Victoria and I did some painting, and then, caught up with some various important people in our lives. Shortly after, we moved on to dinner, which was far more difficult than it probably needed to be. Since then, we’ve just been chilling, and we’ve now started a movie called “Old Dogs”. I’ve never heard of it, but it has good reviews.





Nevada, Happy Easter

4 04 2010

0702. Happy Easter, everyone! It was a long night, but it’s finally morning, and time to do whatever I want. 😀 We’re allowed to “sleep as late as we want to” today, so I think I’m probably just gonna stay holed up and be all anti-social. I’ve got all of my art work scattered around my room, and it’s taking on a personable look, finally. Victoria and I have the Easter outing. . . . . . . I’m pretty psyched about that. It’ll be amazing.

1013. It’s been a low-key morning. Breakfast was toasty and melty and amazing. . . . . . .. . . . . A hot peanut butter roll-up. Vitals were pretty good. . . . . . . . . Weight 154.5, BP 107/68, and temp 97.4. Since breakfast, I’ve been enjoying a John Grisham book and holding text conversations with half of America. The weather has finally (thankfully!) cleared, and this definitely has the makings of a good day. I had a great phone call that I took while staring at Heavenly (one of the big mountains out here) and watching the avalanches rumble down the mountains. Apparently, they set them off with dynamite so that the skiers don’t do it by accident. 😀 The only thing to do before going out on pass today is to make my meal plan for tomorrow. I believe I’ll probably spend the morning reading my book, sipping tea, and listening to fine music. Happy Easter to me!

2110. The outing today was WONDERFUL. Movies, laughter, girl time, and wonderful food. Absolutely everything was homemade, and it was very relaxed and enjoyable. The next week is supposed to be insanely busy, so I’m excited about that. It’ll be a good week.

The meal tonight went really well, although I guess I didn’t watch everything as closely as I could have. It was really good, though, although a bit difficult. We started Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. . . . . . . . . . . . I’m lovin’ it. 🙂








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