I Tried To Be Perfect

14 04 2010

A dear and special friend sent this to me, and I’ve spent the morning listening to it, and trying to soak in the message. . . . . . . it seems the longer this goes, the harder the fight is. . . . . . . which is ridiculous, since most things get better with time. For everyone else walking this road, may you get the same message out of this that I did. . . . . . . That we are loved, and that freedom is always worth fighting for!


I tried to be perfect,
But nothing was worth it,
I don’t believe it makes me real.
I thought it’d be easy,
But no one believes me,
I meant all the things I said.

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show,
That I’m trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.

This place is so empty,
My thoughts are so tempting,
I don’t know how it got so bad.
Sometimes it’s so crazy,
that nothing can save me,
But it’s the only thing that I have.

If you believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if it would show,
That I’m trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.

On my own…

I tried to be perfect,
It just wasn’t worth it,
Nothing could ever be so wrong.
It’s hard to believe me,
It never gets easy,
I guess I knew that all along.

If you believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if it would show,
That I’m trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.





Emotion and Food

13 04 2010

As many of us know, our “food issues” begin and end with emotion. On some level, anorexia is often used to provide a focus other than emotional pain and numbness, and bulimia is, as well. When you’re too busy hating yourself and pouring everything you are into your disorder, it’s almost impossible to deal with any other emotion.

Failure at school.

It’s because I’m fat.

Failure at work.

It’s because I’m fat.

Argument with roommate.

It’s because I’m fat.

Death in the family.

It’s because I’m fat.

No matter what, our brain twists everything around so that we can ignore the pain of life and focus on one thing. . . . . . . . . how incredibly fat we are!

The past couple days have been an emotional roller coaster, and I’m not really sure why. I’ve noticed the ED thinking kicking it up a few notches, and I’ve watched that, and then, done my own thing. (Yay for ACT thinking. . . . . . . . or trying, at least.) I’ve done what I’ve needed to do, but it was out of sense of obligation, and, often, to avoid stirring the pot. I know I’ll end up eating, in the end, and so, fighting over it doesn’t accomplish much. . . . . . . . well, it does, but I’m not willing to go there.

I’ve gotten a scale to start tracking my weight, since I’ve increased my activity level a good bit, and KY and I will start fiddling with my calorie count based on that data. I’m worried about it, because I’ve developed kind of a wary working comfortableness with 1500 calories, but it just about kills me to go over that. I guess that’s why I’m “in recovery”, no?

Today, I’ve picked up some kind of stomach virus, and I threw up lunch. . . . . . . . . . and had to eat again. I can’t say that I was thrilled, but I also know why KY did that. . . . . . . . to avoid giving my body and brain an out. It can be so easy to say, “Well, I didn’t purge!” and think that’s the end of it. . . . . . when in all reality, I don’t know the difference between ACTUALLY throwing up, and willing myself to throw up anymore. I’ve hands-free purged for so long that I just don’t have the distinction.

So, while I still feel relatively horrible, I have, at least, eaten lunch, and am heading to get some much needed rest.





Struggles

10 04 2010

This journey continues, and while it’s easier than ever, it’s also harder. How, you may ask, can something be both easier and harder?

Simple. Purging and fasting aren’t options anymore. While I think about purging, it’s not a legitimate out. Check, easier. Fasting isn’t an option either. Not only is there no way to do it, I really don’t want to. My energy levels, clarity of thought, and quality of life are getting better by the day. (I’m learning, though, that 1500 calories doesn’t support my running around and walking habits that I have, which I don’t really understand. Nothing has changed in my activity level between now, and when I was eating 200-500 calories a day, and I never noticed hunger or lack of energy THEN. I came in off a 5 mile walk/hike last night absolutely ravenous and dizzy. That wouldn’t have happened before, and I don’t really understand why it’s happening now, when I’m getting what I need.) So, fasting isn’t any option. Check, easier. Meal planning…… while frustrating, check, easier.

So what’s the hard part? Life. TV. Commercials. Grocery stores. I have this overwhelming drive to cut calories out of my meal plan everywhere I turn. Not only do *I* want to do it, but it’s widely supported. The message from EVERYTHING (people, magazines, recipe books, grocery stores, commercials, meal planning advocates…. EVERYTHING) is that if a lower calorie version exists, USE IT. Use low-fat. Use the 150 calorie version instead of the 200 calorie version. Just swap this brand for that one, and look! You’ve saved 70 calories! You can eat the exact same amount, for less calories. . . . . . . . . so what’s the downfall? (This is the message I see EVERYWHERE.) Before lunch today, I saw that Progresso soup commercial. . . . . . . a lady picks up a variety of Lean Cusine (which was part of my lunch) and comments on how high calorie it was, and then puts it back and turns to a variety of Progresso Light soup, which I know has at LEAST half the calories of the meal I was planning on eating. Those soups were a mainstay of my anxorexic days. . . . . . . . .but now, all the rest of the women in America are being encouraged to trade their full meals for a 140 calorie can of soup. And there she sat, happily eating her soup, and nothing else.

I wanted to eat soup, too. I wanted to eat soup and nothing else. Lunch was hard. . . . . . . . . . but I did eat it. Did I eat what was on my meal plan? No. . . . . . . but I made the calories up in ways that I was more comfortable with.

This whole “calorie cutting” phenomenon is driving me crazy. Why do THEY get to cut calories, and not me? Now, I know the answer to that. . . . . . . . . . they get more than enough, and those extra 200 or 300 they could cut a day could mean the difference between losing weight or not. . . . . but the message is still everywhere that EVERYONE needs to cut any calories that they can.

It’s hard. I’ve ALWAYS had issue eating something if I KNOW a lesser calorie version exists. . . . . . . . . and that is kicking in fast and strong.

I’m starting to lose weight again, too. Now, don’t freak out. . . . . . . . I’ve got weight to lose. I’m not even BORDERLINE unhealthy (my BMI actually borderlines overweight), so it’s ok for me to be losing weight. However, that’s kinda adding fuel to the fire, because I know how much quicker it comes off at say, 100 calories…….. which would be REALLY easy to do with a couple of minor substitutions.

But I won’t. Freedom is worth fighting for. Every time I eat something, my overwhelming thought is the substitution I could make, or the fact that I really would only have to eat half of it. . . . . . . I force myself to finish every bite, though, knowing that I’ve fought too hard to get to this point to give any ground.





Series of Unfortunate Events

7 04 2010

1316. Yes, you may laugh at my title. 🙂 Seriously, though, due to a series of unexpected, unfortunate, and rather dramatic events, I am back at home. To be quite honest, I wasn’t ready to be back in the “real world”. My habits and new-found thought patterns were beginning to solidify slightly, and my comfort level steadily increasing. However, be that as it may, I’m now facing the scary world of recovery with just my mentor, KY, and myself.

Yesterday was rough, foodwise. Even though I felt sick as a dog, I managed to choke down the calories I needed for the day, and keep them all.

Today, things have been a good bit more structured. My mentor, KY, has stepped up to the plate, and is implementing the same plan that Nouveau Vie used. I’ve been grocery shopping; I have meal plans finished up until Friday, and I have a sparkling new digital kitchen scale and a set of measuring “things”. (Spoons, cups, whatevers). 😀

It’s been an odd transition. Since I’m back in my old environment, my old thoughts are stronger than ever. When I went shopping for myself, every where I turned was a lower calorie version of this, or a reduced fat version of that, even though I know that I often need to full calorie version in order to meet my caloric needs for the day. However, being presented with the option to cut calories here, and cut them there made me want to do it SOOOOOOOOO bad. If it’s so readily available, why not? I could follow the exact same meal plan, eating the exact same amount, and end up around 1100 or 1200 calories instead of my agreed upon amount.

However, I didn’t. I stuck to what I knew I needed. got some extras to have around, and got some staples, since the house was quite barren upon return.

My dog was incredibly psyched to see me, and I her. She’s a pit bull, and is the SWEETEST little girl (and she is quite small!). I love her to pieces. We’ve been spending the day running errands, and we’re going to have a house-cleaning party soon. Sounds like fun, no????? *grins* I’ve yet to unpack and try to get settled in. . . . . . . . I’m still shell-shocked from yesterday, and the speed with which everything happened.

In any case, I’m still the same fighter that I was then, and I’ll make it just as far.





Nevada, Day Eighteen

6 04 2010

0741. New day, new start. Vitals are over. . . . . . . . 154.5. BP 107/70, and temp 97.3. Breakfast was a banana/PB smoothie. Today, I know Dr. Dan comes, but beyond that, I’m not sure what’s going on.





Nevada, Day Seventeen

5 04 2010

0801. It’s been a grand morning. I woke up around 0530, but I didn’t move until 0700. I slept all night, and I slept well. It’s honestly about time. . . . . . I was getting to the point that nothing was really registering, because of how exhausted I was getting. Overnight, we got a good 3 inches of snow, and it is GORGEOUS. I finally got moving, and went off to vitals. Weight, 155, BP 118/70, and Temp, 97.3. All stable. 🙂 Breakfast was a smoothie, but I had to make it with soymilk instead of my normal protein shake base. 😦 Today, we have yoga and art therapy, and I’m not really sure what else.

1050. This has been an awesome morning. Instead of yoga, we took advantage of the warm, yet snowy morning, and went on a walk. The snow glistened like diamonds, the air was crisp and clean, and the time relaxing. Afterwards, since the wind coming in off the mountains was quite cold, we took a break for some hot tea, and then we went straight into art therapy. Today, Victoria is doing her first split drawing, consisting of the darkest place she’s ever been, and the absolute happiest she can imagine. I did a second one, consisting of where I am right now, and where I believe I can go. When I first started this project, I couldn’t even see myself on the recovery side of the page. . . . . . . . I couldn’t see a way to make it over there, although I knew there had to be a way. Today, the appearance of the second part of this project is far different. No longer filled with desolation and hopelessness, there are splashes of color on the “now” side of the page, although, they’re often overshadowed by black and gray. The color shines through. . . . . . . . . . it’s definitely there. . . . . . . . . but there’s a foggy, murky quality to it. On the other side, though, the colors are bright, vibrant, stunning. There’s a small patch of gray, for I just don’t currently see how life can possibly be lived without some kinda fog to it. . . . . . . . . . I’ve never known life not to be “foggy”. The two sides are NOTHING the same, though, and the colors on the “potential” side of the page are colors that I can see happening, for the first time in my life. We’re taking the last half of art therapy to talk about our projects, both the current one, and past ones.

This day feels entirely different from any of the past few. I feel vibrant, connected, and fully in the present. It’s a new day; a new start; a time to make progress. I’m loved, needed, cherished, and not only do I have people fighting for me, but I have the strength and wherewithall, today, to fight for myself. This is my current song addiction, the one that speaks volumes. I might do a post later about why it’s perfect for the current situation.

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I’ve done
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I’ve done
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

For what I’ve done

I’ll start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done

I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

What I’ve done

Forgiving what I’ve done

1155. We’re finished talking about our projects, and we made several startling correlations concerning my concepts of recovery. Without fail, my “now” or “current” or “deep, dark place” projects involve shades of gray, red, and hints of yellow, although this one had far more color. My recovery projects always are bright, vibrant, and involve bright blue, green, yellow, and orange. This is a correlation we just saw today, when all of my projects where laid out side by side. We’re getting ready to head to lunch. 😀

1843. It’s been quite an afternoon, to say the least. Lunch was wonderful, and then, we all headed out for what has become the normal Monday outing, bowling. That was fun, but I got totally and absolutely CREAMED. It was still fun, though. Victoria and I did some painting, and then, caught up with some various important people in our lives. Shortly after, we moved on to dinner, which was far more difficult than it probably needed to be. Since then, we’ve just been chilling, and we’ve now started a movie called “Old Dogs”. I’ve never heard of it, but it has good reviews.





Nevada, Happy Easter

4 04 2010

0702. Happy Easter, everyone! It was a long night, but it’s finally morning, and time to do whatever I want. 😀 We’re allowed to “sleep as late as we want to” today, so I think I’m probably just gonna stay holed up and be all anti-social. I’ve got all of my art work scattered around my room, and it’s taking on a personable look, finally. Victoria and I have the Easter outing. . . . . . . I’m pretty psyched about that. It’ll be amazing.

1013. It’s been a low-key morning. Breakfast was toasty and melty and amazing. . . . . . .. . . . . A hot peanut butter roll-up. Vitals were pretty good. . . . . . . . . Weight 154.5, BP 107/68, and temp 97.4. Since breakfast, I’ve been enjoying a John Grisham book and holding text conversations with half of America. The weather has finally (thankfully!) cleared, and this definitely has the makings of a good day. I had a great phone call that I took while staring at Heavenly (one of the big mountains out here) and watching the avalanches rumble down the mountains. Apparently, they set them off with dynamite so that the skiers don’t do it by accident. 😀 The only thing to do before going out on pass today is to make my meal plan for tomorrow. I believe I’ll probably spend the morning reading my book, sipping tea, and listening to fine music. Happy Easter to me!

2110. The outing today was WONDERFUL. Movies, laughter, girl time, and wonderful food. Absolutely everything was homemade, and it was very relaxed and enjoyable. The next week is supposed to be insanely busy, so I’m excited about that. It’ll be a good week.

The meal tonight went really well, although I guess I didn’t watch everything as closely as I could have. It was really good, though, although a bit difficult. We started Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. . . . . . . . . . . . I’m lovin’ it. 🙂








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