Home Again

28 10 2010

My 10 day trip was cut drastically short. It wasn’t due to ED that the trip was cut short but it’s probably a good thing that it was. I was starting to slip rather significantly. I didn’t feel like eating all of my breakfast yesterday and so, I didn’t. I was full at lunch, so I only ate half. I somehow missed both my morning and afternoon snack. Yesterday wasn’t very good, even though I did manage to finally meet my calorie count with a huge, calorie soaked dinner that kept me anxious for hours. Upon my arrival home, KY and I had a rather intense come to Jesus meeting regarding my slipping and my choice to perpetuate those lapses. I got frustrated and angry when confronted and informed him that:

  • At least I ate. I didn’t have to eat at all. <—- Don’t DO this! It was bad, really bad.
  • It happens.
  • It’ll happen again. <—- This didn’t thrill him, either!
  • That I just didn’t FEEL like it, darnit.

None of those points landed me in a very happy situation. A couple hours later, I had finally calmed down enough to see not only his points, but why he’d reacted the way he did. After my recent significant relapse, he wasn’t allowing any foothold at all and was stopping ED dead in his tracks. So, I’ve got it now and I’m good to try again today. 🙂





Stuck In the Middle

12 08 2010

I’m in a weird place. A friend of mine once said, “Recovery, for me, was eating the way I knew I should and trying to ignore all the ED thoughts.”

I didn’t understand that for the longest time. Even as recent as a couple of months ago, I didn’t understand that. But . . . . I do now. I’m stuck in the middle, somewhere in a vague, hazy form of recovery. I was doing really, really well for awhile. I was eating more because I was exercising and then I did something really stupid. I purged for the first time in months. Anxiety gripped my mind like it hasn’t since earlier this year and I buckled under the pressure.

I’ve returned to eating 1700 calories a day and scraping by. However, I’m also loosing weight. I didn’t know I was losing weight until a good friend of mine pointed it out because she was concerned. I asked for confirmation from a member of my treatment team and was quite astounded to find that not only was I losing, I’d lost a bit of a chunk of weight.

Since I’d basically maintained my weight for months on 1700 cal, the relatively rapid weight loss points to the fact that I’m *somehow* not eating as much as I think I am, which is really frustrating.

I have an incessant drive to restrict and to purge. I have fleeting thoughts that lying about my intake is acceptable and I struggle to *make* myself eat.

I’m frustrated with this entire process. Sometimes it’s SO EASY but when it’s hard, it’s REALLY hard.





Coming Clean

10 07 2010

So . . . . . I’ve finally come clean about how far I’ve slipped, how far I’ve fallen.

It hasn’t just been “struggling a little bit.” It’s been close to all-out restrictive reversion, to the point that a normal sized, low-calorie meal gave me an anxiety attack yesterday.

We’re going back to meal plans and rigid accountability. No choices, no excuses.

I don’t like this plan. I’m clinging far too tightly and am *almost* too far gone to see the benefit. It scares me because I know the struggle and pain that will ensue.

It’s worth it. . . . . I know it is. Freedom is always worth fighting for.

I guess I really just didn’t and don’t want to admit that this will always be here. . . . . always something that I can give no ground because then, the ground swallows me up.





I Tried To Be Perfect

14 04 2010

A dear and special friend sent this to me, and I’ve spent the morning listening to it, and trying to soak in the message. . . . . . . it seems the longer this goes, the harder the fight is. . . . . . . which is ridiculous, since most things get better with time. For everyone else walking this road, may you get the same message out of this that I did. . . . . . . That we are loved, and that freedom is always worth fighting for!


I tried to be perfect,
But nothing was worth it,
I don’t believe it makes me real.
I thought it’d be easy,
But no one believes me,
I meant all the things I said.

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show,
That I’m trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.

This place is so empty,
My thoughts are so tempting,
I don’t know how it got so bad.
Sometimes it’s so crazy,
that nothing can save me,
But it’s the only thing that I have.

If you believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if it would show,
That I’m trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.

On my own…

I tried to be perfect,
It just wasn’t worth it,
Nothing could ever be so wrong.
It’s hard to believe me,
It never gets easy,
I guess I knew that all along.

If you believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know,
Just to see if it would show,
That I’m trying to let you know,
That I’m better off on my own.





Struggles

10 04 2010

This journey continues, and while it’s easier than ever, it’s also harder. How, you may ask, can something be both easier and harder?

Simple. Purging and fasting aren’t options anymore. While I think about purging, it’s not a legitimate out. Check, easier. Fasting isn’t an option either. Not only is there no way to do it, I really don’t want to. My energy levels, clarity of thought, and quality of life are getting better by the day. (I’m learning, though, that 1500 calories doesn’t support my running around and walking habits that I have, which I don’t really understand. Nothing has changed in my activity level between now, and when I was eating 200-500 calories a day, and I never noticed hunger or lack of energy THEN. I came in off a 5 mile walk/hike last night absolutely ravenous and dizzy. That wouldn’t have happened before, and I don’t really understand why it’s happening now, when I’m getting what I need.) So, fasting isn’t any option. Check, easier. Meal planning…… while frustrating, check, easier.

So what’s the hard part? Life. TV. Commercials. Grocery stores. I have this overwhelming drive to cut calories out of my meal plan everywhere I turn. Not only do *I* want to do it, but it’s widely supported. The message from EVERYTHING (people, magazines, recipe books, grocery stores, commercials, meal planning advocates…. EVERYTHING) is that if a lower calorie version exists, USE IT. Use low-fat. Use the 150 calorie version instead of the 200 calorie version. Just swap this brand for that one, and look! You’ve saved 70 calories! You can eat the exact same amount, for less calories. . . . . . . . . so what’s the downfall? (This is the message I see EVERYWHERE.) Before lunch today, I saw that Progresso soup commercial. . . . . . . a lady picks up a variety of Lean Cusine (which was part of my lunch) and comments on how high calorie it was, and then puts it back and turns to a variety of Progresso Light soup, which I know has at LEAST half the calories of the meal I was planning on eating. Those soups were a mainstay of my anxorexic days. . . . . . . . .but now, all the rest of the women in America are being encouraged to trade their full meals for a 140 calorie can of soup. And there she sat, happily eating her soup, and nothing else.

I wanted to eat soup, too. I wanted to eat soup and nothing else. Lunch was hard. . . . . . . . . . but I did eat it. Did I eat what was on my meal plan? No. . . . . . . but I made the calories up in ways that I was more comfortable with.

This whole “calorie cutting” phenomenon is driving me crazy. Why do THEY get to cut calories, and not me? Now, I know the answer to that. . . . . . . . . . they get more than enough, and those extra 200 or 300 they could cut a day could mean the difference between losing weight or not. . . . . but the message is still everywhere that EVERYONE needs to cut any calories that they can.

It’s hard. I’ve ALWAYS had issue eating something if I KNOW a lesser calorie version exists. . . . . . . . . and that is kicking in fast and strong.

I’m starting to lose weight again, too. Now, don’t freak out. . . . . . . . I’ve got weight to lose. I’m not even BORDERLINE unhealthy (my BMI actually borderlines overweight), so it’s ok for me to be losing weight. However, that’s kinda adding fuel to the fire, because I know how much quicker it comes off at say, 100 calories…….. which would be REALLY easy to do with a couple of minor substitutions.

But I won’t. Freedom is worth fighting for. Every time I eat something, my overwhelming thought is the substitution I could make, or the fact that I really would only have to eat half of it. . . . . . . I force myself to finish every bite, though, knowing that I’ve fought too hard to get to this point to give any ground.





Getting Real

8 04 2010

I thought the real world was yesterday. . . . . . . . Yesterday, I was still in a fog.

Today is when everything has hit. Today is when the real anger and frustration showed up, and when I began to alternately withdraw and lash-out at those closest to me. Today is when the thoughts hit hard and heavy that cutting this, or cutting that, or substituting this, weren’t really an issue, and while we’re at it, purging doesn’t hurt, either. Those thoughts only made me more sullen, as I didn’t particularly want to deal with them.

I’m proud to say that not only did I eat my full 1500 calories, but I kept them all. I just got back from a 3 mile walk, and while I’m hungry, I can’t say I’m enthused, in the slightest, about eating anything. I’ve met 1500……. that’s all I need to do, right?

I have this brick wall there that says going over just isn’t needed. . . . . . . . . . . . period. I’m also being asked to drastically cut back on my water intake. On a normal day, I can easily drink 4-5 liters of water, and not think twice. (And, I’m not up all night running to the bathroom! My body is actually quite used to that amount of water.) When I was binging, I used it to make purging easier. When I wasn’t eating, I used it to keep my full. When I was just eating and purging, I knew it slowed digestion. Now, I’m left with none of the active eating disorder habits, but the same water habit. . . . . . . . . that I’m being forced to address head-on.

And the walk continues. 🙂








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