I’ve Started Running

1 07 2013

I started running in February of this year, but underwent surgery in February and fell victim to a “metabolic crisis” in March. It’s thought that I have a potential mitochondrial disease, for several reasons I won’t get into here. Regardless, it laid me out for almost two months, during which I lost all the progress I’d gained in February.

Starting over, I was 195 pounds, unable to walk further than about 2 miles and hating myself more than ever. Now, on July 1st, I’m 182 pounds, can maintain a 13″ a mile pace for 4-5 miles and have been sucked into an entirely different set of numbers. When I was in treatment, one of the doctors said to me, “The rules of an eating disorder are generally pretty simple. Regarding food, it’s always less, never more, and regarding exercise, it’s always more, never less.”

I’ve never understood that until now. I’ve never had an “exercise problem,” and I’ve always LOATHED running in any form. I’ve never understood the drive to continue moving, and honestly, it feels about like the very first time I purged: I wish I’d never discovered it.

I’m trying to remain healthy, trying to maintain my intake, but most days of the week, I end up with a net calorie intake of 250-500. A few times, I’ve even had a negative balance, and that felt better than anything.

I just want to be able to wear my favorite pair of jeans, enjoy it when someone touches me instead of the immediate firestorm that hits my brain (“DON’T TOUCH ME; I’M DISGUSTING!!!!!”), and be able to venture out in public without feeling every eye on me and my massiveness.

I know, logically, I’m not even really all that “huge,” but I feel as if . . . . . I occupy far too much space and that it’s just utterly foul. I can’t stand seeing myself, being touched, or having someone look at me. I’m really working to avoid falling off the restriction cliff, but it’s hard.

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10 Reasons Why ED Sucks (TW)

16 04 2011

Why am I making yet another list, you may ask? Because I need this right now. Everywhere I turn, everyone under the sun is losing weight, becoming summer ready, cutting calories here and exercising more here. Everyone in the entire universe is encouraged by everyone else in the entire universe to cut calories, choose the lower-fat option, shave 300 calories here, another 500 there and to do anything possible to lose weight — even when it sounds stupid.

That is, everyone but me. I’m not allowed to cut calories and shave nutrition and “lose weight fast.” And occasionally, some parts of me find this really unfair. Fast weight loss? I am the QUEEN. I am. I can manage well over a pound a day left to my own devices — and these are the thoughts that are crippling me right now.

I gained a significant amount of weight over the holidays and I’m trying to lose it healthily but I’m finding ED is snagging his grimy little claws into my brain more and more with every passing week (and pound or two). I’m scared of food I didn’t make. Heaven forbid I get full. More than two servings of anything but veggies or fruit? In your dreams. Full-fat WHAT? Ha. You’ve lost your cotton-picking mind. I don’t drink liquid calories. End of story. No, I’d rather feel like I’m actively dying than eat a cracker — do you know how many carbs are in that?

You get the idea. My eating disordered brain is running the show while my recovery-driven actions are powering it. So, it’s time to remind myself why ED sucks — and that’s why I’m here today. 😀

  1. ED takes away your social life. People might try to give you food. Why should I involve myself with that. Summer is coming — I want all of my friends around.
  2. ED leeches off your emotions. Can anyone say hello to never-ending anxiety, fear, paranoia and depression?
  3. ED steals your energy. Yeah, so I’m losing weight — I can’t do anything EXCEPT obsess over numbers and sit around and lose weight because I can’t stand.
  4. ED makes you dizzy. No one wants to hang out with the person who passes out every time they stand up.
  5. ED makes you socially worthless. Face it — food is everywhere. No one wants to hang out with the person who can’t eat a simple sandwich and then enjoy an afternoon at the mall.
  6. ED forces you further and further. It’s never a “little bit” of ED. It’s always more and more and more.
  7. ED makes you lie. Enough said — the lies come quickly and easily. Yes, they’re based out of panic and fear — but they’re lies nonetheless.
  8. ED makes your hair fall out. I like my hair on my head, not in my shower drain or all over my pillow.
  9. ED makes focus impossible. Your brain requires minimum amounts of fuel, period. I am not super woman — I can’t run on empty and expect to function.
  10. ED makes clothes impossible. Nothing fits, ever. Everything is always too big or too small.




Home Again

28 10 2010

My 10 day trip was cut drastically short. It wasn’t due to ED that the trip was cut short but it’s probably a good thing that it was. I was starting to slip rather significantly. I didn’t feel like eating all of my breakfast yesterday and so, I didn’t. I was full at lunch, so I only ate half. I somehow missed both my morning and afternoon snack. Yesterday wasn’t very good, even though I did manage to finally meet my calorie count with a huge, calorie soaked dinner that kept me anxious for hours. Upon my arrival home, KY and I had a rather intense come to Jesus meeting regarding my slipping and my choice to perpetuate those lapses. I got frustrated and angry when confronted and informed him that:

  • At least I ate. I didn’t have to eat at all. <—- Don’t DO this! It was bad, really bad.
  • It happens.
  • It’ll happen again. <—- This didn’t thrill him, either!
  • That I just didn’t FEEL like it, darnit.

None of those points landed me in a very happy situation. A couple hours later, I had finally calmed down enough to see not only his points, but why he’d reacted the way he did. After my recent significant relapse, he wasn’t allowing any foothold at all and was stopping ED dead in his tracks. So, I’ve got it now and I’m good to try again today. 🙂





Eternal Vigilance

8 10 2010
So I know I owe you guys an update. Eating disorders are so cyclic. It seems to be “really good” or “really bad” and it goes from 0 to 60 faster than anything I’ve known. One blogger I follow, ED-Bites uses the traffic light system to figure out where she is, recovery wise. It seems to be a really good system and one that I’m going to have to give more thought to. In the meantime, I give you a quote:
The price you pay for freedom is eternal vigilance.
— Mad Eye Moody
Avid Harry Potter fan, here . . . . Mad Eye Moody definitely has a point, though. When you deal with an illness as potent and powerful as anorexia, it’s entirely possible (to borrow ED-Bites analogy) to go from Green Light (recovery) to RED LIGHT (Get help NOW!) in as little as a few days. Some of us (and I tend to be one of these people) completely bypass the Yellow Light. I’m either fine, or I’m not. There is very little middle-of-the-road. The trick to being free from an eating disorder is to be ever vigilant against the signs and symptoms and seek help early.
Today, I just urge everyone to remember how strong you are. When you feel like giving up, remember why you’ve hung on for so long in the first place. Also, here are some common signs of relapse to remember:
EARLY SIGNS OF ED RELAPSE
  • You have thoughts about cheating on your meal plan/calorie count.
  • You find yourself wondering what your weight is more frequently.
  • Your internal voice is getting slightly more critical.
  • You find yourself remember favorable parts of ED.
  • You have a vague, passing sense of anxiety.

MIDDLE SIGNS OF ED RELAPSE

  • You find yourself cutting out “fringe foods” like fruit after dinner, a special treat or salad.
  • You find yourself shaving calories in any way possible.
  • You find yourself thinking that “a little bit never hurt anyone.”
  • You find yourself fudging the truth with your treatment team.
  • You don’t finish portions.
  • You start noticing slightly increased anxiety.
  • You start noticing thoughts about safe/unsafe foods.
  • You start having lapses. (Single instances of missing meals or purging.)
  • You notice that you don’t really care what kinds of foods are around or not. (Grocery trips are less frequent.)

LATE SIGNS OF ED RELAPSE

  • Instead of hanging onto the cliff with your fingernails, you let go and shove back from the edge.
  • The thoughts are constant and overwhelming.
  • Anxiety and depression levels are high.
  • You avoid situations with food.
  • Outright lying to your treatment team
  • Grocery trips cause intense anxiety.
  • Intake dwindles/purging increases
  • Fear and panic is more and more common.
  • Weight loss of more than 5-10 pounds within a month
  • Clothes that fit are too loose.
  • Shifts towards a primarily liquid diet
  • Weighing yourself multiple times a day
  • Increased pill/laxative use
  • Increased compulsive exercise
  • Planning fasts
  • Digging out the ana/mia playlist
  • Increase in self-harm
  • Fear of talking with your treatment team
  • Shame/desolation
  • Telling yourself that you’ll only do it for a “little while”




Stuck In the Middle

12 08 2010

I’m in a weird place. A friend of mine once said, “Recovery, for me, was eating the way I knew I should and trying to ignore all the ED thoughts.”

I didn’t understand that for the longest time. Even as recent as a couple of months ago, I didn’t understand that. But . . . . I do now. I’m stuck in the middle, somewhere in a vague, hazy form of recovery. I was doing really, really well for awhile. I was eating more because I was exercising and then I did something really stupid. I purged for the first time in months. Anxiety gripped my mind like it hasn’t since earlier this year and I buckled under the pressure.

I’ve returned to eating 1700 calories a day and scraping by. However, I’m also loosing weight. I didn’t know I was losing weight until a good friend of mine pointed it out because she was concerned. I asked for confirmation from a member of my treatment team and was quite astounded to find that not only was I losing, I’d lost a bit of a chunk of weight.

Since I’d basically maintained my weight for months on 1700 cal, the relatively rapid weight loss points to the fact that I’m *somehow* not eating as much as I think I am, which is really frustrating.

I have an incessant drive to restrict and to purge. I have fleeting thoughts that lying about my intake is acceptable and I struggle to *make* myself eat.

I’m frustrated with this entire process. Sometimes it’s SO EASY but when it’s hard, it’s REALLY hard.





Never Good Enough

31 07 2010
She tries harder then the average teen
An overachiver with low self-esteem
Wants to walk like a star
But she takes it too far
She’s never good enough

This song is a song that’s not exactly right, but it’s close. I remember when all I wanted in the world was to be able to touch my pointer finger and thumb around my left wrist. It’s my bigger wrist and that’s all I wanted. When I could do that, I’d be happy. I’d stop. I’d eat normally.

It didn’t happen like that. I can now not only touch my fingers together, my fingers overlap. I’m certainly not any more happy. I’m struggling to stop. My goal has shifted.

On the plus side, though, I’m eating better than I ever have. I’m not only meeting my specified calorie count, on most days, I exceed it. I’m still exercising and I’ve noticed I perform better on days that I eat more. However, I have no drive to eat. I have no appetite. This is a new thing, probably 3 or 4 days old. I don’t even think about food until I glance at the clock and see that it’s “time” to eat. My first round with ana was a lot like this . . . .  never thinking about food and never noticing. This time, however, I’m in recovery, not ana. I’m not sure what’s sapped my appetite. For awhile, I’d get hungry around normal meal times. Now, I’m just not. It does make it difficult to eat enough because I’m just not hungry. I’ve switched to eating a lot more nuts and peanut butter. They’re very calorie dense and small, so I don’t have to struggle to finish them.

I’m also tired all the time. I wake up tired. I stay tired. It’s a struggle to get things done. I would wonder if it weren’t depression but I haven’t lost my social drive, what little social drive I have, anyways. I’m sporadically dizzy for no good reason, too, even on days I eat really well.

In any case, I’m still doing stellar concerning food. I haven’t weighed myself in forever and don’t know that I really want to. Part of me does and part of me is scared to. I’m doing well . . . . . but I also know that when I’m eating a much as I am, I automatically gain “dry” weight. (The weight of the food and water and digestive juices and junk.) That number is usually a good 3 pounds more than it is when I’m eating less. So, I don’t know that I want to psych myself out.

Just a general update. Until laters,

Me. 🙂





Back On Track

18 07 2010

So I think I’m getting back on track. It hasn’t been the easiest week on Earth, but it’s a week worth of steps in the right direction. I went through the angry, defensive stage and am now back to the “Just gotta do whatcha gotta do” stage. I’m measuring out my food again and carefully ensuring I at least hit my suggested calorie count. My anxiety response is getting better, too.

I’ve also started flirting with exercise. . . . . Can’t say I like it, want it, or enjoy it, but hey, whatever. 🙂








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