Stuck In the Middle

12 08 2010

I’m in a weird place. A friend of mine once said, “Recovery, for me, was eating the way I knew I should and trying to ignore all the ED thoughts.”

I didn’t understand that for the longest time. Even as recent as a couple of months ago, I didn’t understand that. But . . . . I do now. I’m stuck in the middle, somewhere in a vague, hazy form of recovery. I was doing really, really well for awhile. I was eating more because I was exercising and then I did something really stupid. I purged for the first time in months. Anxiety gripped my mind like it hasn’t since earlier this year and I buckled under the pressure.

I’ve returned to eating 1700 calories a day and scraping by. However, I’m also loosing weight. I didn’t know I was losing weight until a good friend of mine pointed it out because she was concerned. I asked for confirmation from a member of my treatment team and was quite astounded to find that not only was I losing, I’d lost a bit of a chunk of weight.

Since I’d basically maintained my weight for months on 1700 cal, the relatively rapid weight loss points to the fact that I’m *somehow* not eating as much as I think I am, which is really frustrating.

I have an incessant drive to restrict and to purge. I have fleeting thoughts that lying about my intake is acceptable and I struggle to *make* myself eat.

I’m frustrated with this entire process. Sometimes it’s SO EASY but when it’s hard, it’s REALLY hard.


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3 responses

12 08 2010
Hiding

It’s HARD not to fall back into ‘old’ habits (so I’m told by everyone else at a 12 Step program I go to. I’m not in recovery YET but will be soon. Keep it up with the 1,700 cals a day and be honest with yourself.

13 08 2010
Silly Girl

I understand where you are coming from. I am in the same situation right now. I am trying so hard but sometimes I just want to say the heck with it.

14 08 2010
Andy in Lincoln

Just keep thinking about all the people you have behind you…especially the laundry dude in Nebraska, hehehe…

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