Never Good Enough

31 07 2010
She tries harder then the average teen
An overachiver with low self-esteem
Wants to walk like a star
But she takes it too far
She’s never good enough

This song is a song that’s not exactly right, but it’s close. I remember when all I wanted in the world was to be able to touch my pointer finger and thumb around my left wrist. It’s my bigger wrist and that’s all I wanted. When I could do that, I’d be happy. I’d stop. I’d eat normally.

It didn’t happen like that. I can now not only touch my fingers together, my fingers overlap. I’m certainly not any more happy. I’m struggling to stop. My goal has shifted.

On the plus side, though, I’m eating better than I ever have. I’m not only meeting my specified calorie count, on most days, I exceed it. I’m still exercising and I’ve noticed I perform better on days that I eat more. However, I have no drive to eat. I have no appetite. This is a new thing, probably 3 or 4 days old. I don’t even think about food until I glance at the clock and see that it’s “time” to eat. My first round with ana was a lot like this . . . .  never thinking about food and never noticing. This time, however, I’m in recovery, not ana. I’m not sure what’s sapped my appetite. For awhile, I’d get hungry around normal meal times. Now, I’m just not. It does make it difficult to eat enough because I’m just not hungry. I’ve switched to eating a lot more nuts and peanut butter. They’re very calorie dense and small, so I don’t have to struggle to finish them.

I’m also tired all the time. I wake up tired. I stay tired. It’s a struggle to get things done. I would wonder if it weren’t depression but I haven’t lost my social drive, what little social drive I have, anyways. I’m sporadically dizzy for no good reason, too, even on days I eat really well.

In any case, I’m still doing stellar concerning food. I haven’t weighed myself in forever and don’t know that I really want to. Part of me does and part of me is scared to. I’m doing well . . . . . but I also know that when I’m eating a much as I am, I automatically gain “dry” weight. (The weight of the food and water and digestive juices and junk.) That number is usually a good 3 pounds more than it is when I’m eating less. So, I don’t know that I want to psych myself out.

Just a general update. Until laters,

Me. 🙂

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2 responses

31 07 2010
Kryssy

WOW! It’s GREAT that your A) in recovery. B) NOT wanting to weight yourself. Just AMAZING! I’ll be going into recovery soon I’m SCARED beyond belief. Great to hear that your eating again. The dizziness and tiredness might be JUST your body get USE to you EATING ‘normally’ again. Just my thought.

1 08 2010
thefarsideofthemirror

Oh, don’t read that wrong. I *want* to weigh myself. I know I shouldn’t. *grins* You can do it, girly. My man always says to me, “Freedom is worth fighting for.” If you want it, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse. Said with the greatest amount of love, of course.

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