Feeling

16 04 2010

The past few days have been a reservoir of pent-up emotion and feeling.

Al of my live, people have told me I’m incapable of emotion and of feeling. Called a sociopath and a loner, I embraced the image. Often giving people the impression they were talking to a brick wall, I come across as cold, distant, and impersonal.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I’m full of more emotion and feeling than most people can uncover in a lifetime. Shoved down into the crevices, cracks, and canyons that make up my very being, the emotion, pain, and feelings I’ve refused to face my entire life are starting to bubble up.

I’ve never felt more raw anger, rage, frustration, and aggression than I have over the past few days. It comes out of nowhere, and then, it sticks around for awhile. I’m not the explosive type. . . . . . . . I’m the quiet, simmering, polite type. Only those closest bear the brunt, and that’s unintentional. They come head to head with the force of my passive aggressive will, and only the strongest attempt to worm around it and through it. The rest give up, back off, and maintain a safe distance. Those who know me know. . . . . . the quieter and calmer I get, the more angry and upset I am.

I don’t think I’ve said 50 words out loud (beyond business phone calls and KY) to anyone in over 3 days.

What I’m coming to realize is that my eating disorder was not “a” tool that I used to re-direct these negative and caustic feelings, but that it was THE tool. When that tool failed me, or something was too potent to be tapped back down into its crevice, I’d turn to self-injury.

Well, I’m proud to say that this Sunday will be ONE HUNDRED days for me self-injury free. There’s not a doubt in my head that I’ll make it, because I refuse to get that close to this big of a number and not blow it out of the water.

I don’t know if this is a normal part of recovery or not, but it is what it is, and I ‘m certainly experiencing it.

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5 responses

16 04 2010
Tracy

Congrats, that’s a HUGE accomplishment…I know how tempting self-injury can be and am proud of you for making it to the big 100 :-). Be proud of yourself and keep it up!

17 04 2010
thefarsideofthemirror

Thank you so much, Tracy. . . . . . . I am rather proud of that number. It’s a big one, and I didn’t think I’d ever make it there.

16 04 2010
Andy in Lincoln

Whoo-hoo! I’ll definitely be thinking about you on Sunday, hon…not that I don’t think about you at other times too, hehe…:-P I know you’ll make it…and then you can look forward to 101, and 102, and 103…one day at a time…

Luv ya…

17 04 2010
thefarsideofthemirror

I know I will too, Andy . . . . . . . . Thank you for the support and friendship. 🙂

17 04 2010
Andy in Lincoln

Anytime….. 🙂

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