Getting Real

8 04 2010

I thought the real world was yesterday. . . . . . . . Yesterday, I was still in a fog.

Today is when everything has hit. Today is when the real anger and frustration showed up, and when I began to alternately withdraw and lash-out at those closest to me. Today is when the thoughts hit hard and heavy that cutting this, or cutting that, or substituting this, weren’t really an issue, and while we’re at it, purging doesn’t hurt, either. Those thoughts only made me more sullen, as I didn’t particularly want to deal with them.

I’m proud to say that not only did I eat my full 1500 calories, but I kept them all. I just got back from a 3 mile walk, and while I’m hungry, I can’t say I’m enthused, in the slightest, about eating anything. I’ve met 1500……. that’s all I need to do, right?

I have this brick wall there that says going over just isn’t needed. . . . . . . . . . . . period. I’m also being asked to drastically cut back on my water intake. On a normal day, I can easily drink 4-5 liters of water, and not think twice. (And, I’m not up all night running to the bathroom! My body is actually quite used to that amount of water.) When I was binging, I used it to make purging easier. When I wasn’t eating, I used it to keep my full. When I was just eating and purging, I knew it slowed digestion. Now, I’m left with none of the active eating disorder habits, but the same water habit. . . . . . . . . that I’m being forced to address head-on.

And the walk continues. 🙂


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