Nevada, Day Six

25 03 2010

0601. I finally got sick of tossing and turning and listening to the wind tear through this small valley. It’s been raging and roaring all night long, and I can only IMAGINE what it’s done out there. I could not sleep. I was tired, boarding on exhausted, but it wasn’t happening. I couldn’t get comfortable. Every texture felt WRONG. I have five blankets and a sheet, and I couldn’t sleep with any of them last night. . . . . . . so I was cold. At some point, I threw the giant, fuzzy, velour body pillow that was supplied to me in the floor, because the texture and sensation, one that I usually love, was making me sick. I still feel incredibly nauseous, wide awake, and supremely frustrated. Good morning, day six!

The wind is supposed to blow for two days. It rips in off the Sierra Nevada mountains. . . . . . . . . this is insanity. I’d imagine this is something along the lines of what Poe was listening to when he wrote The Raven. No other hellish, overpowering sound seems enough. Fortunately, while I have no idea WHAT kept me up all night (I know I’m poking large amounts of blame at the wind, but I really don’t think that was it), the wind did NOT cause me nearly as many flashbacks as I would have expected. Two. That’s it. That’s a plus, no?

I still have an hour before I have to go and do anything. I feel sick, anti-social, and out-of-sorts. It’s gonna be a fun day.

0736. I’m up, vitals done, and breakfast made. I did a bad thing. . . . . . . . . I cut 190 calories out of my morning smoothie. . . . . . I took out a tablespoon of PB, and the applesauce. . . . . Julia didn’t check anything, so I was free to do as I wanted. . . . . . I don’t know how I feel about it. I feel elated and calmed that I was able to cut them out, but I also feel that I’m letting myself, and everyone else, down. I just feel so nauseous and anxious, though. . . . . .

0954. I’ve corrected my calorie balance for the day with honey butter toast, and I’m drinking tea like it’s going out of style. I haven’t done ANYTHING this morning. I should have been painting. . . . . . . . but I’m just not. I don’t have the energy or wherewithall to start it and keep it going. It snowed last night, and the wind today is supposed to be really intense. . . . . Alex still wants to go to Lake Tahoe. . . . . . . . which I don’t exactly think would be as much fun as if it were warmer, but I’m a trooper. 😀 I’ll be happy to see it any time. Melanie is here, and she’ll be here allllllll day. (From 0900 this morning until 2200 tonight!) It’ll be grand. 🙂 My calorie count ended up at 1225 today, and I ended up with a minor freakout. Melanie said, “Oh, please! Please just leave it. . . . .” I’m having a REALLY hard time with food and calories today, and I know that’s directly tied to my lack of sleep. I’ve barely slept in 3 days. I’ll see Dr. Dan tonight. . . . . . I’ve finished all of my assignments for him, and I’m ready for the discussion about it.

*sigh* The wind just started up again. It sounds horrendous. . . . . . . . . like a monster screaming around the house. It’s frigidly cold in the house (as it always is), and I’m wearing great big fuzzy PJs, socks, two shirts, and a sweater, and I’m still cold. I feel very disconnected from everything going on, and I’m reluctant to engage. I was REALLY bingy yesterday, and I don’t want to deal with that two days in a row. Best to just maintain emotional distance.

Melanie and I are off to do a “Thinking Errors” group!

1053. . . . . . Oy vey, that was an interesting experience. We talked about the varying kinds of thinking errors and “Stinkin’ Thinkin’”, and then tried to apply and sort through our own thinking errors. While it was informative, it wasn’t my favorite experience.

1247. Lunch was absolutely amazing. . . . . . . . it tasted great, but I’m really full. I cooked all the ground turkey that I had so that it was quick and easy over the next couple days to toss it in recipes.

1313. I’m finished with my meal plan for tomorrow, and it’s time to get back on painting! We’re leaving for Lake Tahoe in a little more than an hour. . . . . . . . it should be grand. It’s been a really low key day, and I haven’t done much productive other than completing my meal plan. I REALLY should be painting, but I’m just not up for the tedious work right now. I’m too tired to focus on the colors, lines, and balance. Dr. Dan is coming tonight, right after dinner, and I’m told he won’t stay as late today. We had a good talk last time, but I slept horribly after it . . . . . . had flashback after flashback after flashback, along with a variety of fun-filled dreams. This time, I think we’re focusing more on the workbook.

1354. I actually got something done today. . . . . . . . . I cleaned my room! If I must say so myself, it looks pretty darn good! I’m gonna get ready for the Lake Tahoe trip, now. I’m excited. 😀 I’ve heard only good things about it, and the wind has actually died down! I’m PSYCHED! I’m sure that the pictures will be beyond amazing. . . . . . . . We’re going to do some hiking, too. I’m sure I’ll wake up sore tomorrow. . . . . . I’m still sore from equine (on Tuesday), lol. I wasn’t sore the day after, but I am now!

1407. We just got back from Lake Tahoe. . . . . . . . it’s stunningly beautiful, untouched, glistening, and pure. It feels as if you’re the last human being on earth. . . . . . . as if time stops, the world isn’t spinning, and everything boils down to a single point in time. It’s unspeakably gorgeous and natural. I don’t have words to describe the experience. . . . . . . . I climbed everything I could, fell down what I couldn’t, and then found alternate ways to the top. We did, as I suspected we would, get wonderful pictures. After this is dinner and Dr. Dan. What a day! (No, Dr. Dan is not FOR dinner. . . . . . )

1948. The session with Dr. Dan was informative. He drew out and talked through several ED cycles and models, and it actually connected several dots for me. It’s things that I knew, but that I had never really seen laid out like that. I’m too tired to give a full overview of the session, but it was good. The treatment model begins with two things: Stopping restriction, and focusing on life. When it comes to anxiety, toughing it out is the only option (b/c time is really the only thing that makes it better), and with time, your body adjusts to it. It’ll get used to whatever is causing the anxiety. Basically, keep eating..



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