Nevada, Day Five

24 03 2010

0659. I slept fitfully last night. I don’t think I moved until  0100, but then, I couldn’t stay asleep. I had nightmare, after nightmare, after nightmare. I finally decided to move and give up trying around 0630. It really bites, too, because Julia was going to let me sleep in today, because of how tired I was last night.

Today, I have yoga, art therapy, and a meeting with Alex. Other than that, I’m not sure about today. I have a TON of stuff to be working on. . . . . . . . so I’m sure that will keep me quite occupied! I’ve got my Stripe Overload (which is what I’ve decided to call it) project, the homework Dr. Dan left me with, and I’ll be starting a new project today. It’s about time to get up, get moving, and get going! Vitals, of course, and then breakfast. I’m supposed to have 3 Tbsp of peanut butter with breakfast. . . . . . . and I’m having a REALLY hard time justifying 300 calories in 3 tablespoons. That is FAR too condensed. . . . . . . it’s not ok. I don’t know what I was thinking during meal planning.

I’m loosing weight. I can feel it. My hip bones are making a slight appearance again, and my clothes are fitting bigger. I know why it’s happening; I’m not binging. Everytime I stop binging, I start to loose weight, and quickly. I can’t believe I’m loosely weight eating 2-3 times what I usually do, but it’s happening. The oddest thing? I can FEEL the weight loss. . . . . . Feel the tips of my hipbones, feel my ribs, and notice my pants settling lower around my hips, but I still can’t frickin’ SEE it. Why do I view m y body through a distorted mirror, and what made it happen? I know, I know. . . . . . . dsymorphia. . . . . but WHY? How the HECK does this disease get ahold of my eyes so horribly?

Anyway. . . . . . . time to get this day started.
0746. I ate (drank) breakfast, and it was SO GOOD. Like. . . . . . . absolutely AMAZING! It was so perfectly balanced with the taste and the texture, and just. . . . . YUM. I’d never made a PB smoothie before, but daggone, I think I’ll be having more of those! I’m in PDT now, and working on the homework that Dr. Dan gave me. I have to do several ED assessments, and find a person close to me, who knows me well, to send a couple assessments to, as well. He also gave me some reading material, and told me to begin working through The Anorexia Workbook. That book is centered on Acceptance/Commitment Therapy, which basically says that bad thoughts will ALWAYS come, but we must learn to accept them, and commit to what we know is right. I’ll get a shower after PDT is over, and then, I believe we have yoga. 😀
1219. Whoa, it’s been a jam-packed morning! Christina came, and we did do yoga. I’ve never done breathing-focused yoga. . . . . . . I’ve always used yoga to improve flexibility, not really to slow and focus on breathing. So, my flexibility was great, but I definitely had more to learn. We moved directly into art therapy after that. Christina is, like everyone here, very nice, understanding, and fun. We do Yoga here because it improves the mind-body connection, and it allows one to observe their body without judgement. We moved directly into art therapy. After connecting with our body during Yoga, art therapy would allow us to connect with our emotions without judging those.

Christina asked me to draw a picture of the deepest, darkest place I’d been, and where I wanted to end up. I just started in, and ended up with this person standing in the midst of a thunderstorm, being struck by lightening, lashing rain, etc etc etc, in a puddle of blood……. since it seems that ED leeches one’s lifeblood. The person was also covered in cuts, since at my darkest ED place, I was self-injuring the heaviest, and ED cuts to the bone. Then, on the other half of the paper, I drew a meadow with a brightly shining sun, bright green grass, bright blue sky, and a clear, straight path fading into the background. There were dark, menacing mountains in the background, but the path through them was clear. They’re there, but it’s an easy journey through them.

After art therapy, I made lunch. I had whole-wheat rotini, marina sauce, and toast. I’m full, but it was really good. I don’t have much to do this afternoon except for finishing up my project and doing all of Dr. Dan’s homework. He wanted me to complete some ED assessments (which I’m finished with already) and start working through the ACT book. Maggie is here now, and she’ll be here until 10. It’s gonna be grand. 🙂 We’re going to see a movie, but I don’t think we’ve decided on which one, yet.
1419. I’ve spent the afternoon sitting on the deck, absorbing the warm sun bearing down, the sight of the mountains in the distance, and the beautiful sounds of the birds singing their songs. It’s a clear sign that spring is here. Everything is a little drab and dull with the scenery right now, but there is happiness and warmth all around, no matter how it appears. The colors in the evergreens are bright, and the mountains stand tall, strong, and proud. They’re still covered in snow, and they’re sending a gentle breeze down to gently flow through the valley. Far from the windstorms that can happen out here, this is very pleasant and calming. I’ve been working through my Anorexia Workbook. There are some AMAZING concepts and lessons in here (even as little as I am into it. . . . . . . I’m only in chapter 5. . . . .) that I would have NEVER thought of. This book uses ACT (Acceptance/Committment Therapy) in order to provide an entirely new way of thinking to recovering anorexics. It offers an example of what anorexia can be like: Two teams, anorexia on the left, and oneself on the right, get up every morning and immediately begin a daily tug-o-war. Anorexia is shouting “You’re fat! You need to starve! You’re disgusting! You must be in control!” and the voice of logic is shouting, “I need to eat more! I need to be healthy! I don’t look THAT bad!” The constantly struggle and strain wears EVERYONE out, and it always ends up with Ana winning, because she’s so much stronger than self.  However, what if, one morning, the SELF team got up, picked up the rope, let Ana start pulling, and then DROPPED THE ROPE. Ana could shout and rage and yell, but there was no one pulling back! There was no struggle.

The thoughts that Ana was providing were ALLOWED to be there. They’re going to be there anyways, according to this book, and the harder you try NOT to think them, the more they’re going to occur. The task, though, is to learn to ACCEPT them, but not ACT on them. Through several scientific studies, the authors of this book have discovered that the confidence to do something will never come until you actually DO it. Change your behavior, and you’ll change the thoughts.
1748. Outside of dinner, I’ve been painting and playing games with Karen. She’s the staff member that I went on a walk through the cemetery with. There’s a whole lot of local history in that cemetery, and some big Nevada names. I’ve really been painting for most of that time, and talking, but spent about 15 minutes playing a games called “Legs”. It’s a word game that is pretty fun. . . . .  Each person alternates picking a letter, and you have two minutes to write down every thing that comes to mind that has legs that begins with that letter. It’s a fun, out-of-the-box thinking game. If each person wrote it down, then you cross it off the list. Unique ones get points. Person with the most points wins!

Dinner was salmon and green beans. . . . . .  . I had a major freak-out because two nutritional sources varied on the amount of salmon equaling what amount of calories. I flat refused to eat it unless Alex let me take the SMALLEST amount and list it for the highest calorie listing, just to be safe. In the process of cooking the salmon, the grill shut on my on hand. . . . . I didn’t feel the burn, but I can see it. It’s very minor, but it was startling nonetheless.

Now, Maggie and I are trying to see what’s showing, movie-wise, in town tonight. We’d both like to get out of the house for awhile. 🙂 I’m continuing to paint stripes, and will probably be doing so until the day I die.
2139. I have the finals of my project laid out, and it should be finished with about 5 more hours of work . . . . . . NO I’m not exaggerating. Maggie and I went to Carson City to see Bounty Hunter, and while it was VERY funny, the end was a bit unsatisfying. I won’t give any of the details away, but I’d recommend it for a good laugh, which anyone can use. We also saw the previews for a movie we’ve already set up a date for, and it’s called Date Night. It looks hysterically funny, and it actually premiers on April 20th.

I’m on the edge of an anxiety attack. I can feel the feeling building in my belly, in my gut, through my body. . . . . . . . All I can think about is candy, pizza, crackers, chips, cereal, bread. . . . . . anything and everything. . . . . . . That whole “thinking but not acting” thing? Yeah. . . . . . . . . didn’t act, but now it’s consuming me. I had the chance to get a bunch of candy and whatnot, but forced myself to move on. . . .  .

The drive to binge is overpowering right now.

2302. The wind is incredibly unsettling. The anxiety is starting to slip a bit, which is welcome. I might actually get some sleep after all. The drive is. . . . . . . . well, it’s not getting any less; we’ll just put it that way. I know that if I can get some sleep, the morning will be SO much better. I often get bingy when I’m sleep deprived, and I most definitely am. I’m not going to move; I’m just going to turn over and go to sleep. The new staff member, Selina, is having a bit of a rough night. She’s very nervous about the size of the house, it being her first night, and feeling a bit out of her element. I told her it would come quickly, and that it wasn’t particularly hard. I’ll be the first to admit, though, that the wind probably isn’t doing ANYTHING to ease her fears. I’ve heard it gets SO MUCH worse, but right now, it sounds as if it’s trying to shake the house apart.


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2 responses

24 03 2010
Angel (GV)

I love you blog hun! I just read the whole thing, and Im so proud of you! You are doing so well! I have also done The Anorexia Workbook, and found it hugely helpful last time I recovered. Im glad you like it 🙂

Keep it up hun…xoxo

24 03 2010
thefarsideofthemirror

Thank you so much, beautiful! Welcome, and I hope you stay for the journey!

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