Nevada, Day Four

23 03 2010

As always, I’ll update this throughout the day.

0657. I didn’t sleep much last night, but I didn’t move until 0530 or so this morning. I need to get up, get moving, and take care of vitals, but I don’t  want to get out of bed. I slept with four blankets and a sheet last night, and I have this cozy nest thing going on. I don’t WANNA leave it! I’m starting to get used to the feel of everything here, and people are warming up to me, and I to them. Julia and I just bantered about our days last night once she got back to the center, and it was really good. It’s starting to pick up a bit of a familial feel, and while I’m a bit wary of that. . . . . . I’m not pushing it away.

0734. I’m in the process of eating breakfast. . . . . . . . I had a bit of a “do the right thing” moment this morning. I was left alone to prepare breakfast, and as I was scooping out my Greek yogurt, I knew Julia wouldn’t questions me about my amounts. I only put half the amount in. . . . . and then I added the rest. I had to convince myself that it was the right thing to do. . . . . . and while it was hard, I didn’t want to all ED to start the day off on the wrong foot, because I’ve got a whole lot of eating left to do today. I’ve read the first chapter of my anorexia workbook, and found it relatively repetitive. However, I’ve been assured it’ll get more interesting within a couple more chapters. The first was about recognizing whether or not you have anorexia, and what anorexia is. I’m chatting with a couple of friends, and I’ll start painting again during PDT. I’m slowly downing my breakfast. . . . . . . It’s going down a little bit hard today. By the end of the day, I’ll end up at 1085 calories.

0938. I’ve been painting for the last two hours, and I’ve made a good bit of progress. I REALLY don’t know if I have the patience to finish this all the way, though. My artistic vision was much more grandiose than my time and energy. Alex is here now, and he wants me to watch a movie. It’s one I’ve seen before, but it’s the typical treatment video “Dying to Be Thin”. Oh joy. Later, we do have equine, so I’m excited about that. I love horses, and I love being outdoors. Until lunch, though, I watch Alex’s movie, go through a reflection time with him, and will probably paint. I’m REALLY gonna hafta say that I’m relatively incensed that Alex gave me such a MASSIVE piece of poster board. In graphic design, this would have been a SIMPLE 45 minute project. I’m on like, hour 9, and I’m about a quarter done.  This’ll teach me to have artistic vision!
1108. Killing Us Softly? Yeah. Don’t ever watch it. I would not EVEN recommend it. Her blatant use of proganda to prove points she otherwise could have proven well using logic simply rubs me the wrong way. About a quarter of the way through, I decided I didn’t like it, and then, she continued to bolster that thought. Afterwards, Alex and I talked about it, and then, he had me do an image assessment of myself and society. Not the funnest activity I’ve ever done. These were the kinda questions that you go, “How the heck am I supposed to know?!?!!?”
1234. Lunch is now over. I’m noticing a reoccurring theme with my meal planning. I shy away from really caloric dense foods because I can’t get away from the thought of “more for my money”. If I can eat this HUGE pile of fruit, and be full for hours, and for a third of the calories, why should I bother with the really dense granola bar? But. . . .  . . what I have to realize is that I NEED to up my calories. Alex brought me a Reese’s cup today in order to nudge my calories over the 1200 mark. . . . . . . I haven’t touched it yet. I ate soup and a ham sandwich for lunch. . . . . . . and I’m supposed to eat the Reese’s. Julia couldn’t find the Luna Bars (which are only 180 calories), so she brought back Cliff Bars. Those have 250 calories, and I’m really struggling with them. I just can’t justify eating something when I know a version with LESS calories exists. I don’t like today, food wise.
1404. We’re off to equine! I’ve got to go throw on some jeans and tennis shoes, and I’m good to go. I’m excited. . . . . . . I haven’t had a chance to really be around horses in YEARS. I’ve been painting for the last FOREVER, and then Alex and I had a talk while I was painting, after lunch. We talked about a few of his concerns, and then just small talk. We dabbled in education, and what alternatives might exist for mainstream ed. It was a good, relaxing talk.
1633. I just got back from Equine. . . . . . . . it was an absolute blast, but totally different from ANYTHING I’ve ever done. I ride Western, and Maggie (the equine instructor) teaches English. Not only does she teach English, but she is an Olympic level instructor! She has two girl who are going to the Olympics in 2011! It was a journey, for sure. Everything felt and handled different, and I felt like an absolute beginner. Which, of course, in this arena, I am. I’m excited to continue learning, although I think I’m going to wake up sore more than once! It’s all about leg strength in English riding, and not so much about balance and speed while fully seated. Alex got a ton of really good pictures. I got a chance to play with all of the ranch dogs, which I greatly enjoyed.

I’ve got a meeting with Dr. Hall at 1700, then dinner, and then a meeting with Dr. Dan. I have no idea, yet, what makes them different, or what their jobs are.

1725. I FINALLY managed to get my meal plan for tomorrow done. It’ll be a good day. . . . . . . . .I’m having a PB smoothie, pasta and garlic toast at lunch, and then  a fresh salmon sandwich with green beans.

1820. My meeting with Dr. Hall is over, and so is dinner. The meeting with Dr. Hall was very low key, but we covered my medical and ED history. We went in-depth into some things, and other things, not so much. Dinner was rice and soup, and I actually ended up at 12o2. I had to re-do my meal plan 15 million times to meet that count (1200 is my goal, for now). I came in with a really low daily calorie count, so we’re working on getting it higher. I’m actually not anxious right now. I think I’m too tired to be anxious. I have a meeting with Dr. Dan, like I’ve noted several times, at 1930, and I’ll probably paint until then, and maybe after. Or, I might just goof off. Who knows?
2154. Oh wow. . . . . . I just finished with Dr. Dan. We talked for well over two hours about my entire ED, family, psychiatric, and physical history, and then about childhood abuse, how I got emancipated, and the pathology of my eating disorder. I am EXHAUSTED. I was tired BEFORE Dr. Dan got here. . . . . . . . let alone now. He gave me a ton of assignments to do, but for now, I am GOING TO BED. This whole 3 hours difference thing is draining me. Night night, all!

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