Nevada, Day Two

21 03 2010

I’ll be updating this throughout the day.

0846. So it’s my second day here, but the program doesn’t officially start until tomorrow. Yesterday was a long day, full of doubt and fear. All I could see was the calorie count I was supposed to be striving for, and the fact that I’d gained almost 15 pounds since I left for Virginia almost 2 weeks ago. All I could feel was the anxiety, the self-loathing, and the fear. KY (my mentor) tried time and time again to tell me that I needed to take full advantage of this opportunity. . . . . . that I needed to maximize it. Yesterday, I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to come home. I hadn’t slept Friday night. I was tired, cranky, and irritable, and these people wanted me to eat 3 times my normal amount, and then “relax” afterwards. Rightttttt. At the end of the day, I was still 500 calories short. That was AFTER I’d. . . . . Well. . . . I planned dinner, and then put half of it back. When asked, I’d noted that I didn’t eat it, and then, I ate a Luna bar to make up the difference. That 500 calorie deficit was AFTER the Luna bar (which, by the way, was ABSOLUTELY amazing. Alex (the therapist, and resident comedian) brought me a Chocolate Mint bar, which was just. . . . . Well, it shouldn’t have been health food.).

At that time, I couldn’t see trying to eat any more. I just couldn’t. I can’t imagine working around to meeting that calorie count, and it was KILLING me.

I woke up this morning relatively dissociated, which means that the anxiety is close to none. I’ve got one phrase running through my head. “Tell me I can’t, and I’ll show you I can.”

I made breakfast. . . . . and I had 107 more calories than I did yesterday. Now, that really doesn’t seem like much. . . .  but it’s a step in the right direction. I’m in PDT right now, which is the time after meals (about an hour) during which we get to hang out, relax, and stay in sight. We’re not allowed to move around, which means pacing is out of the question. We have to sit quietly, and allow our food to begin to digest. Today, I’m really not having a problem with it. Yesterday, it was bad. Really bad. Today, though, I’m barely anxious. I can feel the food. . . . . but I’m dissociated enough that anxiety isn’t even a part of it. I’m going to start researching alternate food choices so that my list of “safe foods” can begin to grow. Right now, it’s REALLY limited. I prefer extremely high protein, low carb foods, and, well. . . . . 60% of my diet is supposed to be carbohydrates. That number seems more illogical than any I’ve ever seen, but we’ll see what happens. I did have some fruit this morning. 😀 I feel that is a step in the right direction.

I’m a compulsive calorie counter, and here, that is encouraged. We have to write EVERYTHING down. Calorie count, fat grams, protein grams, and carb grams. We have to write down EXACTLY how much we are planning on eating (before we sit down with it, while preparing it), and then, eat it all. They feel it empowers us, and gives us the control over food. I have freak outy moments when I’ll see a label and go, “OMG I did NOT want to see that.” All in all, though, meal planning is pretty cool. We have some high techy gear here that makes it more fun. It’s a bit difficult right now, because there isn’t much here (and that’s MY doing. . . . my list of safe foods is very limited right now.)

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